Two Organs Down and Still Kickin

She's goin back to Guthrie, Guthrie....

2009-07-13T07:45:00.004-05:00

That's right we sold the house. Now the hard part moving. Two more goals left for the year and about six months to do them. This is going to be a short post, I mainly wanted to get that title out. For those of you not in my head, think of LL Cool J and Brooklyn.

PSA

2009-04-21T21:12:00.002-05:00

Long time no post.

I received a letter a few days ago about a change in the UNOS (United Network for Organ Sharing) rules for distribution of donated livers. Currently the rules state that when an liver becomes available, it goes to the closest local sickest person. For example, if a liver is available in Tulsa, Ok and there is a really sick person in OKC, but a sicker person in Austin, TX; the person in OKC gets the liver. The proposed rule (proposal #3) will change this so that it is the sickest person in a region who gets first choice. Thus the liver in Tulsa would go to the person in Austin.

Why is this bad! Well, if this was in pace say ten years ago I wouldn't be writing this blog. I wasn't on deaths door before my transplant, in fact if I had been I would not have been eligible to receive one. My liver decease put me at high risk for liver cancer, so I needed a transplant before I got cancer. They don't transplant the livers into people with liver cancer.

Currently some state have higher populations of transplant patients then other states, and some states have higher donation rates. The only reason to propose this rule is to attempt to equalize the liver transplant list. But it does not equalize all organ transplant lists.

Some questions I have: Why isn't this for all organ transplantation and is it right to try and create an affirmative action like policy when dealing with saving of life?

The proposal is open for comment until Friday the 24th, follow the link above to read it and comment on it.

Consider this a Public Service Announcement.

Two Sides to Every Story.

2009-01-20T21:47:00.004-06:00

Driving home from a church thing tonight, my wife told me of a family friend who died over the weekend. The friend who entered in to the big sleep, had the same cancer I had at the same time. I had actually met him while awaiting chemo once. At saying this she started to (not) cry. And I was struck at how I did not know her story of survival.

I realize that this blog only tells my side of things. How I survived. But it cannot tell her side. It cannot convey her fears or hopes. It can only show me how much stronger she is than I. I now understand that it is much easier to be the one going through it, than the one watching it.

Spot On Product Placement!

2009-01-19T16:16:00.003-06:00

Even if you're not a BSG (Battlestar Galatica) fan you'll find this funny. Unless you're not evil like me.

Warning It's a bit gruesome.

The Fog Is Rolling In

2009-01-08T13:35:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since the last real post. Mainly because with the final surgery so far off the direction of the blog needs to change. But to what?

Well people always say write what you're passionate about. Currently I'm all about the goals I have for 09'. Now that I have beat death again, the wife and I are focusing on the finances to get a bigger house so that toward the end of the year we can start a family. But not before the surgery in July. So that's like four big things this year. Bills, House, Surgery, Baby! What do they say, "Go Big."

What this all means is that the blog could get really mundane with the day to day of these goals, and the posts may get further and further apart. I still plan on posting, but how often and what direction is still foggy.

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus....

2008-12-25T07:32:00.003-06:00

Tis the season!

Organ Wars: Episode VI Return of the Colon

2008-12-19T17:05:00.005-06:00

I went to the colon doctor this week to inquire about reconnection surgery. With all the chemo and hospital drugs I had forgotten the specifics of that surgery. She was delighted to see me and was amazed at how good I looked. It's a funny feeling to shock a doctor in a good way. After we talked Jen and I started the discussion about when to do what. On the list is surgery, vacation, baby, and new house all next year (Dan I'm beginning to understand grad school). And while we haven't set every thing in stone yet, it looks like I'll be haveing the final surgery in July.

I Never Take My Health into Consideration.

2008-12-09T10:26:00.006-06:00

A friend asked me today, "Do you ever take your health into consideration? I mean with what you have gone through, this should be number one."

We were talking about my plans for the next few years and how unfocused they seemed to her. I was stunned by this comment in that I didn't know how to answer her question in a way she would understand. So I'm writing this post to explain.

My faith, my relationship with God, is my number one. It has to be! I couldn't have gotten here without my faith. There are many examples of people putting God above themselves in the Bible and coming out pretty good in the end. Job, he lost everything and his health, but kept God first and ended up with twice as much as before (Job 42:10). And what about those guys in the fiery furnace, they were willing to give there lives for God and he saved them.

I know that fear and doubt are the enemies of Faith (that's somewhere in the new testament). And I know that I only have the ability to think negatively when I think about certain things like statistics of my health. I am not refusing to thinking about the reality of the situation. No, I am choosing my faith over my fear or doubt. I know what the odds are and I know that I have beaten all those odds because He is with me, not because I was cautious or chose the right doctors.

Remember, reality is not what you see, touch or smell. Reality is what understand, or "As a man thinketh, So is he."

Thanksgiving!!!

2008-12-02T10:31:00.004-06:00

Well Thanksgiving is over and there are no bodies to dispose of. For those who don't know, this year was the year the family travels to Knoxville, Tn. My aunt and uncle were wonderful and I enjoyed them a lot. And I had forgotten how much I missed my cousins.

About half way home I decided to not be negative anymore, or try not to be negative anymore. Over the past 3 or 4 years I have managed to teach my mouth not to curse. And thought it would be a good thing to teach my mind not to think negatively.

This new goal will mean less funny stuff until I get use to it.

OH! Happy Day, Happy Day!!!

2008-11-19T15:51:00.001-06:00

Well the PET scan I had on Monday is clear. I am once again cancer free! Prayer works!

Woz the Creator.

2008-11-09T07:10:00.003-06:00

I'm the type of person who doesn't often remember my dreams. So when I do it probably means something.

Last nights dream started with me walking into my house to find my iBook in peaces all over the living room floor. As I surveyed the damage, I heard a familiar voice coming from the bathroom that said, "I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to know if it had the 476 chip in it (I have no clue what that means this is a dream remember)."

Instantly I knew who it was and was speechless as they came around the corner with a piece of the computer in his hand. It was Steve Wozniac, the creator of Apple! We began to talk about the computer and what parts I thought it need and what parts he thought is need. He assured me that all it needed was the 476 chip and that the CD drive and Ethernet port were obsolete.

I then found myself using my iBook and it was running better than it had ever before. I couldn't get over the fact that the creator of Apple not only had been to my home but had fixed my computer and made it better! And this is when I woke up.

This dream struck me as so odd that in my half awake state I ask what is the significance? And a small still voice said, "Well if you replace Woz with God and the iBook with your body, isn't that kind of what has happened?" He's right! God showed up one day and fixed my body. I may not have all my original parts and my body may not work the same way it did when I was born. But it works better now then it has ever. Isn't that the point of divine healing?

"You're Not Gona Die!"

2008-11-03T16:58:00.005-06:00

Saw the doctors today. My weight is down (148lbs), but my counts are good, my whit count is 11.9 down from 13, my platelets are 790,000 down from over a million, and my liver numbers are going down (that means I getting out of rejection). Don't worry, it's not the first time I've been in rejection and it's under control. They took out the staples and said I could drive and go back to work.

The doctor told me today to go home and have fun, it's time to get on with my life. It was as if he was saying we are done messing with you go have a life now. I've been waiting a long time for that one.

BTW the title is a lyric from a William Shatner song "You'll Have Time," it's a very funny song.

An Ode to What I have Left

2008-10-29T13:41:00.002-05:00

If you haven't heard yet MTV has a new site with nothing but videos. On which I found the following video.

Weird Al Yankovic |MTV Music

The Basics: Whom I Are.

2008-10-29T08:39:00.004-05:00

I think my high school English teacher just died. The next couple of post are going to be a theme on the basic concepts I've come to understand about the Bible. I'm doing this partly because of the Swiss cheese in my head and in hopes that it will help others in their understanding of God. So...

To start I had to know what I was. I know I am a human man, but I mean what God made me. Luckily He states this in the first two chapters of the first book. How cool is that it's on page one and two! Genesis 1:27 says that He created us in his image and further on Genesis 2:7 God explains that we were formed of dust and He breathed life into us. So what is his image? It took a while but I found that in John 4:24, He is spirit. What the heck, we are spirit but we have a body and a soul (because of the breath of life)?

I got the body and soul thing, I mean I think therefore I am and if I get cut I bleed. But what is this spirit thing? I decided I would reread the beginning again and see if anything else had these three things. Well Genesis 1:1-23 is all about the earth, light, water, and plants. Nothing with spirit so far, stuff came from the earth (like the dust we are made of) but no spirit. Genesis 1:24-25 talks about living creatures (souls) and how they came from the earth also, but no spirit. It's not till Genesis 1:26 that God lays out His plan to make us in His image (spirit) and He also planed for us to have dominion over everything on the earth, so we would need a body and probably the breath of life (soul) for that body.

The basics of what God made me (us) is 1: in His image (Spirit), 2: of the dust of the ground (Body), and 3: breath of life making a living soul (Soul). The only thing in creation with these three distinct parts!

A Tolerant Witness.

2008-10-22T11:34:00.003-05:00

Ten bucks says I piss someone off with this one!

I have come to understand that the Church (all Christians) in American has no idea how to deal with homosexuality. Science dictates survival of the fittest and natural selection, meaning that without technology nature through the principles of reproduction takes out those who desire same sex. The responses from the churches across America has been varied from accepting them into there clergy to psychologically manipulating them into believing they are not homosexual to out right ostracizing.

My question here is what is the biblical response to homosexuality and how tolerant dose the Church have to be. Well Leviticus 20:13 says that not only is homosexuality a sin but we should put them to death. Now Romans 6:14-16 states that we are no longer under the law but under grace, however, we by being under grace should still offer obedience to God and his laws. But should we shun or tolerate those who continue to sin, remembering all sin is equal. For Romans 8:1-3 says we should not condemn those in Christ.

We should embrace them as we embrace other sinners in the love of Christ and help them to grow in their walk with God and in His word. As we help others as well as ourselves in the continued path of righteousness. As 1 John 5:16-18 says in prayer that God continues to give him (the sinner) life and protection from the evil one.

So should we allow them to serve? Anyone who still actively chooses to walk in their old ways or rather sin, is not a very good example/witness of God or His word. To be a tolerant witness we as Christians should embrace all sinners with the Love of God and pray that God works within them to walk in His way.

Overcompensation!

2008-10-20T14:35:00.002-05:00

So I went to the doc today for a check up. My blood is better than it has ever been before. My whit count is 8.5 (normal is around 5 and I've never been more that 3) and my platelets are 900,000 (before it was 14,000 and normal is about 100,000). Things are too good. So they put me on a whole bunch of immune suppression meds and said no driving. I'll see them again in two weeks.

So thank you for all the prayers, they are working real well.

If this is Plastic Surgury, How is it a Growth Industry?

2008-10-14T12:15:00.001-05:00

I'm home as of yesterday at about 3pm. With my girlish figure. But the back pain was totatly unexpected. You always hear about how after someone has a nose job or breast augmentation that they are in pain for awhile, man thats an understatement.

Finished catching up on my blogs. Dan I thought the glow in the dark fish were just a joke but if their real and not to expensive (I have problems with fish) I might just by one.

The next couple of weeks are going to be sketchy, I'll be on pain killers a lot. So enjoy the drunk posts.

Calling from the Clink

2008-10-12T14:28:00.003-05:00

Well I back, but not out yet. I will be leaving the hospital tomorrow and be heading home for about 3 to 4 weeks. They said I couldn't drive but I could do part-time work, if I got a ride. Well you can't win them all. The blog name will change but the address will remain. There will be more on this later. Matt.

{Matt Update: 10.11.08}

2008-10-11T13:12:00.002-05:00

Matt had a long night, the bed made his back hurt. They just brought in an air bed, so he's going to try to get some sleep. He's been walking more and hasn't had any pain meds since early this morning (and those were for his backache). Dr. Sebastian came in today-says Matt is doing well and might go home Monday! We're both excited-that's a few days shorter than the week he was expected to be in :) He's recovering quickly!

Love, Jen

{Matt Update: 10.10.08}

2008-10-10T12:47:00.002-05:00

Matt moved out of ICU last night. We're now living in our "suite." He's doing well, he's been up walking around a little this morning and he's asking to eat solid foods, so things are going well!

{Matt Update 10.8.08}

2008-10-08T18:53:00.004-05:00

Matt's surgery went better than the Dr. expected. It lasted a little longer than we thought, but it went well. The Dr. said it was a good thing that he had his spleen out-it was bigger than they expected. He is in ICU now, and will hopefully move out on the floor tomorrow. Thanks for all the prayers, keep them up. The next 48 hours will be the most crucial -that he does not get infection or have to go back into surgery due to bleeding. God is good.

Love, Jen

System of a Down.

2008-10-07T11:08:00.003-05:00

People ask are there down days? Yes! And I'm having one today. Is it because tomorrow is the big day? No! Is it because my coffee didn't taste coffeeish today? No! Then why?

One of the things I have learned about myself is I'm empathic. I'm sensitive to the feelings of those around me. While I may know that there is nothing to worry about, concerning the spleen thing, my wife is not so convinced. She has been very tense about it and the closer it gets the more upset she has become. Thus I'm having a down day because she is having a down day.

So I ask of you to pray for my wife, that she can see the brighter side of having my spleen removed (like I'll get my youthful figure back). And that I get my attidued back to good.

Lets take a Poll!

2008-10-01T09:30:00.012-05:00

Well is unoffical but next Wensday I will be losing my thrid organ, my spleen. That's October 8th. So while I ask for your continued prayer and support, I thought I would take a poll on wheather I should chang the name of the blog to reflect the loss of another organ

Enjoy!.

Entitlement!

2008-09-30T09:17:00.006-05:00

I'm going to let you in a little secret, I don't feel nor have ever felt guilty for my relationship with God. What I mean is that for some reason I have never felt unworthy of His love for me. I keep getting this sense that Christians see their relationship with God as a burden or as never measuring up to His grace. It's not that I don't understand the whole by faith in Christ and not by our works thing, I get that and believe it.

I think it goes back to being one of His chosen people. Hebrews have had a longer time to understand their relationship with God and accept it (though they have gotten something majorly wrong). I can't help but feel a sense of entitlement for His love.

See I don't think you can accurately describe or express a relationship based on love by using guilt. I think we Christians miss the point about measuring up, it's about where our focus is. Do we feel guilty of God's grace or joyful that we are entitled to it as children?

The Post that Never Was....

2008-09-28T10:54:00.009-05:00

After trying to write this one for the last two weeks resulting only in sounding like a wind bag; I have decided to take my wife's advice and not write about what I've been trying to write about.

Right! So here's a little bit of an update. The spleen is coming out sometime next month and I should only be out for two weeks. The wife is not taking this well and keeps bringing up last years issues. I keep laying out the odds (that was the fifth surgery in my life and the only one to have complications, so as the say, one out of five ant bad) and with this being the sixth the odds are good that thing will be ok. So pray for her also, I don't think she can handle another bad one.

Oh! I added a little tracking widget to the blog to see who is reading it. Don't worry it only tells me where you are and how you got here, not who you are. So take a look, it's on the lower right.

This Still May Cause an Aneurism...

2008-09-13T19:54:00.004-05:00

This post is a continuation of "Like a Sink in a Bedroom" post, and you have been warned!

Today we spent the day looking at homes again, it's a nice cheap hobby. When we came upon the same builder from that post, except this time there was a rep from the company there. Once we walked into the second bedroom and saw the sink, I exclaimed that we could ask them why is there a sink in this bedroom. Ahh! Yes! Nirvana! I can finally know the answer to the question of the universe. WHY IS THERE A SINK IN A BEDROOM?

After walking around the house a little longer, I turned and asked the rep, "Why is there a sink in that bedroom?"

!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!
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She replied, "You know a lot of people are asking that question, and well... I think its for like if you had two kids sharing the bath down the hall. One can take a shower and then get ready in there room, while the other one is taking a shower. Or if you have a grand parent move in. They could... you know have there own sink!"

Now take a breather and let this settle for a minute. And remember, for me to scream in her face, "ARE YOU INSANE!" would have been a faux pas in mixed company.

I began to realize she had no idea.

Jen and I spent the next hour discussing her answer and our previous ideas and came up with the following:

1) If it were the two kid thing, there would be no need for one to have a sink because the child that would get that room would be the older, for it is the bigger room and thus they would take showers at different time. If they happen to be female twins, you would only need a vanity not a sink in that room. If there was a boy in the mix, that would make the need non extant for every one knows girls trump boy in the hygiene area.

2) If you by chance need or had to house a grand parent, they would need a toilet before they needed a sink (grenade joke, give it a minute).

The only possible reason we could think of is that (and I hate to agree with my wife on this) a man thought, 'hay people like bathrooms a lot, how about we put a sink in this room!'

Green Genes!

2008-09-12T07:53:00.003-05:00

Where to start....

Ok! So there are no cancer genes, but there are gene mutations that we know will cause colon cancer. And we know that these mutations can be passed on. Also, the test for these mutations is very expensive, so they don't like doing it without good reason.

In my case my family history lends itself to the possibility that I have this mutation. However, because of the liver disease and the ulcerated colitis, I would have gotten colon cancer without having the mutation. So the question becomes does any one in my family and near generations have or had a specific type of colon cancer. Well my dad is out no colon issues there and since he was adopted, that's a dead end. My Papa on my moms side died of colon cancer with mets to the liver back in 82' and both of her brothers have had polyps. So there might be some genes here.

The gene lady asked if we could get the path report for the uncle who doesn't liver here and if that showed pre cancer polyps we would do the test. Well the path report is in and no pre cancer. So as I said I have Green Genes!

Oh! You can't pass on colitis but the liver disease hereditary but there is a slim chance of that. That means as long as the swimmers are still good, we'll be makin babies.

Guess? Genes!

2008-09-06T15:59:00.004-05:00

Well we (Jen and I) had our first meeting with a Genetic Counselor on Friday. She spent an hour telling us over and over agian that she realy doesn't know if we should get tested for gentic disorders and that she needed time to reaserch my family. What I some what missed was that she said while she was try to explain genetics to us, that at best it was all just an educated guess.

So I called Dan up (because he's smart, sometimes) and told him what she said. He replied that she didn't know what she was talking about. He did agree that it was all just a guess, but explained it more in terms of probability rather that chance. In response, I equated it to quantum physics and he agreed. We ended our conversation with Dan stating that I should *#&!@ it and have the kids.

I went about doing some reaserch and found some interesting facts. There are 46 chromosomes in each human. Each one is made up of 50 to 250 million protien combinations. That means that each of us has between 2.3 to 11.5 billion protien pairs. And it only takes one wrong pair to mess us up.

How is it possible that we are here?

Don't Panic

2008-09-03T07:29:00.006-05:00

I often think if we retitled the Bible to "Don't Panic" more people would read it. I say this because for me, one of the most useful aspects of the Bible is not panicking.

For an example, this weekend I did something to my ankle. I don't know what but by Monday it was about the size of a baseball (that's big for my 160 lbs frame). It didn't hurt but there was some bruising. So I called up my chemo guy, because of the whole blood thing, and he ordered a Doppler (it's an ultrasound for your leg). In which they found nothing. Now I didn't panic because I've read the book. With all the other crap going on I had every right to act like my mother at a clearance sale. Even the technician performing the Doppler found it amazing how calm I was with all that I've been through.

In the end the answer to the quest why don't you/we/I panic is because God is always there and it is real easy to stay calm knowing that.

So in the middle of all your crisisies remember "Don't Panic" and bring a towel.

"To The Pain"

2008-08-25T14:54:00.002-05:00

If you ever want to know what true pain is, have a bone marrow biopsy. Nothing will prepare you for it, words can't discribe how painful it is, the only good thing about it is that it last for a few secounds. I guess any longer you one would die.

Went to the doc today to get the results. My marrow is good, like five ***** good. I'm also 162 lbs (need to start working out to get this weight were I want it). The bad part is even after the transfusion my platelets were only 18,000 that's up from 11,000 but good is between 50 to 100 thousand. And it looks like they want my spleen now.

The title is from the Princess Bride (you need to see it if you haven't), a scene in which Wesley confronts Prince Humperdink by stating he was going to cut off or out most of the prince. I for some reason find this familiar.

As for the delay in post, I am beginning to understand theories on processing. Sometimes things need time to process before I can write about them.

"Oh sure! You can live without (insert organ here)"

2008-08-14T10:26:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to wonder how many times one can hear this and it be true.

I went to the liver doctor on Monday and they pretty much agreed with the oncologist, that I can live without my spleen if need be. If this does end up happening that will make it four organs removed and one replaced. I'll have to change the blog to 3 organs down or 4 and 1 and still kicking.

I also went and gave blood today and the oncologist called about an hour ago and wants me to have a transfusion today and a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. Yes my mind is spinning with all the not so good thoughts, that I wont mention.

I again ask for your thoughts and prayers.
And remember I can live without (insert organ here).

Ferfer

2008-08-07T20:46:00.002-05:00

What follows is a poem (yes, I'm one of those types) I wrote to my wife.

It has come to my attention,

That's something of me you lack.

And I wish you no intention,

To give the ring back.

As I begin to understand how two should be,

Wrapped with Him in eternity.

I see the reason why,

Flowers wont do,

So I write this poem,

Of love to you!

Matt Dejonge 08'

"Let Me eSpleen,...No! Let Me Sumup..."

2008-08-05T20:06:00.004-05:00

For those who didn't know my platelets are low (1700's [they give transfusions and 3500 or less]). No transfusion yet. I saw the doctor (Parker, cancer guy) today and he gave me four possible resons: 1) I have a platlet antibody (ie...a bacteria or white blood cell targeting my platelets); 2) Hyperactive Sleen (this is a side effect of liver disease); 3) something going on with the new liver; 4) or something else (other).

The plan so far is to do more blood work and have the liver clinic (whom I see Monday) do some extra tests, to rule out antibodies of viruses.

The best outcome is I am just having a reaction to the chemo (He went to school 4 more years then me, go figure). Worst case I have to rename my blog to "Three Organs Down." So if you could start sending the prayers my way thanks!

Where We Headed Now Boss?

2008-07-27T10:04:00.003-05:00

One thing I have been meaning to talk about, but have only tuched on in prior post, is following God. The church I go to calls it "Being a fully devoted follower of Christ," but that's a little wordy, so following God.

The Bible says it's that still small voice, which is what psychology deems classic schizophrenia (responding to an internal stimuli). So I'm psychotic, and so are most Christians. The best example of this, besides David Koresh who may have not been listening to God very well, is when I went back to collage.

I had quite school when I was 21 because at the time I was dealing with dieing (liver problems). This resulted in the loss of funding and me having to get a full time job. I went back when I was 26 not only because my health was better and I had funding, but also because God had put it in my heart to go back. I wholly believe that God had arranged everything in my life so that I had no other choice but to go back to school.

Now granted I could have chosen not to go, but that would have left a bigger hole in my life then when I did not have God. That experience taught me that I could trust God but also that He truly wanted me to be happy. And it's a great feeling to set my heading and know that God will get me there!

Achieving Depression

2008-07-22T07:00:00.003-05:00

When I finished collage I got really depressed. Not because I now had to join the real world (I had done that already), but because I had no plan for my future. When you achieve all your goals what do you do next?

Knowing this me and the Mrs started to plan for your next big thing, last weekend. We are going to try and have kids, like in a year. And while that is good news, I was surprised at the reaction of a friend. They were upset that we would even consider having kids this close to chemo.

For those who don't know, chemo has made it a little bit harder for us make babies. We know this and have planed how to deal with this. Which is one big reason to wait a year. Regardless of this problem, making babies is a blessed event. It's what God put us on the Earth for. And what I truly believe He wants us to do next. And it's been a lot of work for God to get me to this point.

So before you weigh in on this plan, realize that all the possible problems have been analyzed, and our goal is not achieve depression; but blessedness!

YOU Did It!

2008-07-16T13:39:00.002-05:00

That's what Dr. Parker said yesterday as he walked into the room. I had a PET scan Friday and yesterday we were in his office to get the results. Which are, I'm cancer free. And while I had a part to play in this war, without you my supporting friends and family and God himself, I would not be here today. So Parker's right YOU did it and I thank you.

This is what "Having the faith to move mountains," means. So the next time you doubt yourself and God, remember this story and the part YOU had in it.

Gay! Not Gay?

2008-06-29T06:38:00.003-05:00

Before I told my mother that I had converted to Christianity, I would often say, it would be easier to say I'm gay. Not that there IS something wrong with that, but this is not a rant about homosexuality. It's more of an exploration of why I chose Christ.

I have spent most of my life without a really strong father figure. I do have a father, he is just out of reach physically and emotionally to be of much use. He does have a strong sprite, but I often wonder which direction that it is going. But this is not a rant about him either.

What Jews and Christians share is G-d. The idea of one being who protects, cares for, and teaches his own. I'm not talking about the trinity, just G-d or God the Father. I have had to endure may things in my life, and while I have not had the worldly examples of strength, fearlessness, and courage that one gets from a father; I have had God! That still small voice keeping me calm in the lions den, feeding me in the desert, telling me to fear not only believe.

How could I not turn Christian!

Weekly Charge Vol.14

2008-06-24T15:00:00.002-05:00

Well I'm on my last poisning as I type. My counts were not good but we'er dooing it anyway. I am however 154 lbs. that's the most I've been ever! Funny it takes cancer to make me gain weight, it's consistan with my life being back wards thing. Anyway I'm thinking of writing several post but I need your help (not just you Roger but every ones). The following are titles I have come up with for the next set of post, I need you guys to vote on which one you want to read most.

Gay, not Gay!

Insomnia and Shingles...

A few bits short of kibble.

So add your vote to the comments or email me @ matt_dejonge@yahoo.com.

I Still Don't Know What I Was Looking For...

2008-06-16T14:12:00.002-05:00

About a year ago, and about a moth after the wedding, I went for a checkup with the liver docs. They said it was past time for a colonoscopy, so one was scheduled. We didn't get the results back until about the middle of August and they weren't good.

If you have been following the story you know what the results were. I had cancer.

While the focus of this blog was and is to tell the works God has performed in my life, life changes. I will continue this blog in what ever direction it goes, but the story of my life until now is pretty much at an end.

So to quote Bowie it's time to, "turn and face to strange changes."

A Year in the Life

2008-06-02T15:12:00.004-05:00

As the story continues...

It would be about six more months before I would ask this cute Christian girl the BIG question and another year before the big day. While there are still many parts to my story left today is most important! For a year ago today Jennifer Ann Evans became Mrs. DeJonge!

And as the story continues...

We may have gone through a lot, but WE made it baby and I love more than ever!!!

Weekly Charge Vol.13

2008-05-28T11:23:00.002-05:00

Saw the doc yesterday, my white count was 1.2, my nutrafills were 500 (they need to 1000), and my platelets were 59. I did gain 2 lbs to 152 lbs. We are doing chemo agian this week but I have to stay home until Monday. But I am finally caught up with Battlestar Galatica.

She Doesn't Hate Me!

2008-05-21T19:47:00.002-05:00

I had come to the understanding that every relationship I had had in the past was based on getting them to love me. This didn't have any good results, so a change was needed. I decided the change in this new relationship with the cute Christian girl (let's call her Jen), was that I wasn't going to focus on getting her to love me. My new theory was to get her not to hate me.

To my surprise it worked! I mean before I knew it it was the sixth month mark and she still didn't hate me! In fact she really liked me! The best part was I really liked her.

To test how well she liked me I thought I would ask her if she wanted to look at rings. Her reply shocked me. She agreed...

The Weekly Charger Vol.12

2008-05-12T21:27:00.002-05:00

Well I'm being poisoned as I type. My white count was 1.4 and red count was 700. They asked if I wanted to chance it and have chemo, I agreed. If I don't go anywhere till Sunday or Monday I should be fine. It will mean I wont be able to go to the movies for a couple of months. And May is packed with movies I want to see.

There is an upside, we got our allowance from crazy uncle Bush and we bought a pool to do our part in the whole economy stimulation. So I will have to stay home and swim all day I guess. Darn!!!!!

Keep up the good thoughts!

Change It Makes Cents!

2008-05-06T13:27:00.002-05:00

I have always been of the mind set that communication is the most important thing in any relationship. I am wrong.

What I had been doing on the internet to meet women and to grow socially was not working. So I made a change, I started an eHarmony account. This was a bigger change then I realized at the time, for I was trusting on someone else's judgment over my own in finding women to date.

Well that turned out to be a very good decision. I met a shy cute girl who was intelligent, goal oriented, independent, Christian, and did I mention cute.

I have come to understand that the most important thing in any relationship, or rather the core thread in any relation ship is change. After a few months of dating this cute Christian girl, I began to notice that I was analyzing the marriages and long relationships around me. I had always analyzed my own relationships but never others.

What I saw was change in every one. Weather for bad or better every one changed in there core. This reminds me of what happens when one comes to Christ:
Corinthians II 5:17a "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature..."
We change!

I was changing and I had to make a choice weather for bad or better...

The Weekly Charge Vol. 11 with Sir Lance

2008-05-06T02:12:00.003-05:00

Last Thursday we added a new member to our family, a 7 month old King Charles Caviler named Lance. He's a puppy mill rescue, so he's shy and doesn't know a lot of common dog things like what treats are. Molly (our Westy) lays a heavy hand on him when it comes to food or toys. The thing I've learned the most is that Molly is a really dominant dog. She walks around with the attitude that the world exists because she wants it to.

We got the PET scan results and they show pretty much what the CT showed, with some more decrease in the lymph sites in my chest and abdomen. My counts are good except for my platelets so no chemo this week, but next week we're going back to a full dose.

As for the story, well I'll try to get the next chapter out this week.

Jesus Loves This Guy! Weekly Charge Vol.10

2008-04-29T01:35:00.004-05:00

Me and the wife found a T-shirt this weekend with the phrase "Jesus loves this guy!" on it. I now have it. I like the shirt for two reasons: 1) It's true, and 2) It's just a little bit conceded. I like things that make people think and this shirt does.

I saw the doctor yesterday and the news was mixed. My white count was low 1.18 and my red count was 500; both to low for chemo. So we decided to go back on neupogen this week.

While reviewing my case he said something interesting. He asked me when the last scan was done, to which I said sometime in March. As he was mumbling the CT back he said, "Nothing in the Liver and no new sites in the lymph glands."

I asked, "Nothing in the liver?"

He replied, "Yes."

I asked, "The PET scan in January showed sites in the liver, right?"

He replied, "Yes."

I asked, "And the CT in March shows no sites in the liver?"

He replied, "Yes."

I then asked, "So there's nothing in the Liver?"

He replied, "Yes."

He went on the say that we would be doing another PET scan this week but that things look really good. For those who (like me) are having a hard time understanding this, nothing in the liver is a really big thing! Especially when you consider that I had not had chemo for six weeks at the time of the CT.

Thus, "Jesus Loves This Guy!"

And thank you all for the prayers and thoughts, they are as much a part of this as all the meds and doctors.

I Should Watch More Religious Crap!

2008-04-25T01:05:00.002-05:00

So I was watching the Pastor Melissa Scott tonight at about 12am, it's like a sermon in which she super analyzes every thing. My kind of show, anyway, she was talking about what the good works meant in Ephesians 2:10. Her conclusion was that God is working in us to do His good works, and not that these good works are the key to our salvation.

So I was thinking about this and about Life Church's message from this week about how we (men) as warriors are to be passionate about what battle God has given us to fight. Which I have come to understand in my life is, in part, the writing of this here blog thing.

And while the story seems to be wondering aimlessly in my social life, I realized not only where I need to take the story; but also that God is still working within me to bring about a knowledge of Him and His good works.

So like I said, I need to watch more religious crap. I also need to stop starting paragraphs with so.

Rejection City

2008-04-23T07:46:00.003-05:00

Living with your friends is a little more acceptable when dating then say, being 28 and still living with your parents. So I took Jess up on the offer to live one year with others in pursuit of spiritual development and friendship.

It was a great year. I can say this, while we didn't necessarily pursue that spiritual development all that well, I walked away with some pretty good friends.

During this time I also continued to develop my social skills with women. Jess did her best to help by becoming my stylist. Growing up Jewish left me with this funny style of spending money; but when a hot girl (weather your friend or not) tells you, "Even I would date you in those jeans!" moneys becomes nothing. With my time being divided between the house and work, and the fact that I didn't drink; I decided to start internet dating.

If I was trying to avoid being rejected, I would have gone to a bar. The first site I joined after three months left me with over a hundred emails out and no returns. That would be like going to a bar and every women you said hi to never saying hi back. Thats a 100% rejection rate. My great solution was to try other sites that were similar to this one; I garnered the same results 0-25 on one and 0-10 on another.

My grand experiment was gathering some horrible results!

Chain Letter (the kind of crap you do at 2am)

2008-04-22T02:17:00.003-05:00

Here are the rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player tags 5 people and posts their name, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago:
Ten years ago I was working as a night clerk at 7-11 and had just been put on the transplant list.

Five Snacks I enjoy:
1. Queso, queso and more queso
2. Candy
3. Ice cream
4. Coffee
5. Pop Corn

In the real world:
1. I'm Jewish
2. Born again child of God
3. Cancer survivor
4. Funny

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Pay off all my families crap.
2. Invest in alternative energy forms.
3. Buy an owners cabin on a cruse ship.

Five jobs that I have had:
1. Ice cream scooper
2. Fry guy
3. Cashier
4. Night clerk
5. Disability examiner

Three of my habits:
1. Killing nazis
2. Sleeping
3. Chewing my finger nails

Five place I have lived:
1. Grand Rapids, MI
2. Oklahoma City, OK
3. Moore, OK
4. Edmond, OK
5. Thats all folks...

What do you want others to get from your blog:
People converted to Christ or for people to recommit themselves to Christ. But nothing real big.

And as for tags, I only read three personal blogs regularly and Roger has all of them tagged already.

I Think The World Is Telling Me Something...

2008-04-19T11:35:00.003-05:00

So today I got an email for a colon cleanse sample and last week I got another credit card app for the Make A Wish Foundation. Is this what they call irony? Or is there some junk mail mastermind trying to make me mad in hopes that I'm the key to his plan to take of the world.

On another note there will be a new chapter in the story soon, I'm stuck again on which way to go.

Like a Sink in a Bedroom?

2008-04-13T21:33:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite comedians is Lewis Black, I know angry frustrated cussing Jew what a shock! He has this routine where he discusses a theory of where aneurisms come from. It involves situations where our brain can't explain something and it tries to figure them out until it explodes and we die. He used a scenario where he over heard some one say, "If not for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in collage." Even writing it brings me to tears. If you haven't heard is, it's on his white album.

Anyway, my wife and I are currently looking at new homes to get an idea of what we want to buy in the future. Today we saw a house which had a sink in the second bedroom. It wasn't like a little bathing area in the room. It was a sink right next to the closet of the bedroom. No other bedroom in the house had a sink. The closest was the sinks in the master bath. Jen spent the next hour trying to figure out why. I did my best to get her to stop, because I love my wife and don't want her to die of an aneurysm.

She finally arrived that it is meant to be a nursery. When I pointed out that the sink in the bathroom next door was closer or that being that there were only two rooms other than the master and that the most you could hope for needing it to be a nursery would be like five years tops and you were likely to own the house for at least 15 years; she said her mind was made up it was meant to be a nursery.

So for all of you out there, it is no longer, "If not for that horse" to explain the completely illogical; it's now, "Like a sink in a bedroom!"

Weekly Charge Vol.9

2008-04-09T15:33:00.002-05:00

Well no chemo this week, my white count was 1.4 and my red count was 800. I'm on nuepogen again this week and Monday regardless of white count I'm going to have some chemo but not all of it.

Now for something completely different...

I was watching TV today and there was a commercial for Lipoflavonoid. Now this is a real drug but the name just sounds like its made up. And no it has nothing to do with your lips or taste, its for your ears. I'm thinking of a new drug to make farts smell better, I'll call it labelsticka.

The Friends Zone!!!!

2008-04-05T10:24:00.001-05:00

I'm using this post to back track a bit in the story. A Friend reminded me the other day that she has yet to be in any of my post and that she was defiantly in the story by this point. So.... "In this corner weighing a glowing (you know because she pregers (not mine!)) 150 lbs. Jess!!!!!!!!!"

I had met Jess some years prior to this time, but she was living in Boise in what was known up there as a Christian Family Home (I'll explain in a minute). I was in my final semester of collage. She had just come back home (that's Oklahoma) and I being single thought this was my shot. So after testing the waters for a few weeks (I never claimed to be a fast casanova) I ask her to lunch.

I showed up in the best cool casual attire I had at the time and she was in sweats. This should have been my first sign we weren't on the same page, but I'm an optimist. The second sentence out of her mouth sealed it though. Her start to the conversation was, "You know its so nice to have a good friend like you."

You girls may not know this,
But us guys have a place we never like to be
And I had just been put there squarely.
The Friends Zone!
It's not like the way Hollywood portrays it,
You will never win her over with your loyalty,
We're there for eternity.

Well with that battle lost, I decided to actually listen to what she was saying. Basically she wanted to start a family home in Oklahoma and she wanted me to be a part of it. A family home (or Christan Family Home) is a group of young adults who pledge to spend a year living together studying the Word and supporting each other.

We ended the lunch with the agreement that I would think about it, and, "The beginning to a beautiful friendship!"

Weekly Charge Vol.8, What happend to Vol. 7?

2008-03-31T13:50:00.002-05:00

So I was looking through the post the other day and saw I had two Vol. 6's.

Went to the doc today, no chemo, white count is fine but red count is low. CT came back with no new sites and no increase in size of current sites. The doc said that this was unexpected in someone with my case, and it looks like the praying is working. He also said that chemo may end in June if keeps going this good. So even though I can't have chemo the cancer is dieing. My weight is down by a pound, 151 lbs, that is easy to fix.

In closing thank you for all the good thoughts.

Martha Stewart's Globolization

2008-03-30T10:15:00.003-05:00

For the guys, Martha Stewart's magazine is called Martha Stewart's Living. It even uses the same font.

The Summer of George

2008-03-25T22:05:00.002-05:00

I quickly realized that these rules were not quite enough when dealing in a relationship. They were good for getting my self esteem up, but did nothing to stop me from getting into one bad relationship after another.

There was this episode of Seinfeld in which George decide to do the exact opposite thing from what he normally would do in every area of his life. For instance his pickup line in the show was, "I'm a 40 year old bald man, I live with my parents and I don't have a job!"

I concluded after analyzing all my past girlfriends, that this was a good idea. I found that they all were short brunettes that didn't talk much and who's sexual preference could be question. Oh, and none of them were Christian.

I started with were to find women who would match the opposite profile. I know what your thinking and no I didn't start in a church. This would have to be some one who was smart also. So I went to the internet. Talk about rejection, in the first six months I subscribed to two different sites and emailed over 150 women to no avail. Wait there was that cat lady. Rule #6: Never date a cat lady!

Thus the search would continue...

The Rules of Rejection

2008-03-20T09:30:00.003-05:00

And now for the next chapter in our story...

After a while of attempting to date, Dan and I started to come up with rules to help deal with rejection. When you have a low self esteem rejections is the enemy. And so:

1) All women are insane. This is not meant to be an insult, but rather a fact. See women don't think like men and since the playing field is the male mind "All women are insane". This also works for women, at least the basic argument. All men are insane because they don't think like women. Regardless, it no longer is about me pleasing them but weather I want to deal with there insanity. It goes from a me based relation to a them based relation.

2) Never ever, ever, I mean never; date a stripper! This also includes porn stars, prostitutes, and junkies. Why because these are self destructive people. Remember the end result of dating is a relationship and who wants to be in a relationship with a self destructive person when your trying to grow and improve yourself?

3) Keep your mouth shut stupid! Women pleaser's, geeks, nice guys, what ever you want to call us; have a tendency to talk a lot when we are nervous. Through out Psalms and Proverbs this idea is stated. I think one of them is "Even a fool is counted wise, if his lip he keeps shut." Trust me most girls don't want to know about your limited edition Batman watch with grappling hook.

4) Sex is not an option until your in an exclusive relationship where you both agree your ready. Paul put it this way"

1 Corinthians 7:8-9 "Now to the unmarried...if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

I have been unfortunate "to burn with passion," and fortunate to get married before. Trust me the later is way better.

5) All ways set up the next date before your current date is over. Because if she isn't into you she wont agree to another date. That mean set it up at the end of the date not the beginning.

In closing these rules only work for dating, once you know she's it get rid of them. Except for #4. And for #3, she will be comfortable by then to tell you to shut up.

The Weekly Charge Vol.6

2008-03-19T11:37:00.002-05:00

I would like to say there is good news, but there isn't. White count went lower. Don't know about the weight yet, I don't see the doctor until Friday. There will be a new chapter in the story by tomorrow. Now me and the wife are going to try and forget the bad news.

Tess of the d'Urbervilles

2008-03-13T13:04:00.002-05:00

You meet the most diverse group of people working as a night clerk. And it is always good to get to know the local law. One such person was Tess (yes like the book), she was and I hope still is a Police Officer.

I bring her up because she is also one of the most faithful people I have ever met. One of the many conversations we had involved covenants with God. She told me during this discussion that she had one with Him that He would not let her blood spill on American soil. You see she was from Trinidad and couldn't wait till she could get back there. She also told of how many times God had saved her from this fate and how she prayed about this every day.

I found this profound and when I was still in the hospital for the liver transplant I pray for God to give me 100 years of life. I pray for this most days. When I get into moods like I'm in now, I know that I have lost sight of this. So I start to pray again and ask for forgiveness. I don't know if it will happen because we are all subject to His time table, but I do still hope and pray for it.

In closing I would like to thank Roger for suggesting I stare at the sky.

"You can't always get what you want..." The Weekly Charge Vol 6

2008-03-12T13:54:00.002-05:00

Well today is another day in the long line of doing nothing to reach my goal of beating cancer. My white count was 1.8 and for those of you following that means no chemo. My weight was 147 lbs so 2 more pounds.

I have noticed lately that I am getting really angry really easy. I recently bought Call of Duty 3 for the Wii. This was not a good idea on the part of Nintendo. The major problem is that a First Person Shooter (FPS) like Call of Duty relies on two analog axises to move and shoot. The Wii controller has one. That means while you have one little joystick thingy to move back and forth and side to side, you have to move the Wii remote to look in the direction you want to go and shoot. What ends up happening is that you stare at the sky a lot and spin in a circle or you throw your grenades at your own feet. Remember that the third word in FPS is shooter meaning you spend 90% game going around and shooting at things. These thing aren't often in the middle of the sky or at your feet. So how long do you think before that Wii strap saved my TV from becoming a very heavy paper weight?

That anger is the exact same anger I have felt about my health situation. You see in order to beat cancer I need to stay focused on beating it. Not only praying a lot, but also getting the medications that will kill it. In order to get these meds my white count needs to be at least 2.0 and it's not. They have given me other meds to bring it up but that hasn't worked (the grenade just falls at my feet). Thus I'm staring at the sky and spinning around.

And God is being silent or I can't hear him over the exploding grenades.

"Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be"

2008-03-06T07:42:00.002-06:00

So we left off with Spaniards claiming my brain and now we are entering Nirvana.

One of the noticeable similarities Dan and I had at the time was a low self esteem. It was thought to be a result of fatherless, but over the years I have come to see that it was more due to the environment in which we were raised.

Regardless, we both had a low self esteem when it came to social interaction. This had to change. Dan decided to run social experiments, basicaly he put himself into the situations he wanted to be good. I went to the bible.

As I studied, I came across a verse I had read many times before that for some reason hit me like a brick.

Romans 8:14-16 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

So not only are we sons of God, but He didn't give us a spirit of bondage, He gave us a spirit of rebirth in Him. This changed me at the core. How could I ever fear any social situation again knowing that I am what God says I am and that is His son.

The only down side to this story is if Mr. Cobain had known this, maybe he would still be with us. But then again if he had maybe we wouldn't have such good songs. And of course he did say he found it hard, it's hard to find.

The Weekly Charge Vol. 5

2008-03-05T09:26:00.002-06:00

Well good news and bad news today. I'm 145lbs!!!!! Thats what I was before all this crap started and if you count that I'm one less organ I've gained about 3lbs more that what I was before. Bad news is no chemo today, white count was 1.7 even with the neupogen.

There will be another chapter in the story ether today or tomorrow.

But I have to go kill some Nazis first.

I Claim This Land in the Name of Spain!

2008-02-29T08:27:00.003-06:00

By 2003, physically I had reached a plateau, I began to see I was not who I wanted to be nor who God wanted me to be. This was supported by the fact that now I wasn't going to die (any time soon anyway). Thus began the trail of self discovery and change.

Dan had reached this trail some time prior to me but he wasn't any further than "I don't like who I am." The first major understanding we both came to was: We never had a positive male role model growing up. For Dan his father died when he was a teenager, for me my father is still alive and has been living in a shack in Michigan most of my life. We talk over the phone, and he has been a spiritual influence, but he was never there. This father thing is very important because men learn a lot from just having a father around. They learn about social behavior, body language, courage, strength, spiritual leadership, and many other aspects of life that a mother just doesn't know about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing the single mother, I'm saying that in order to be fully who you are meant to be weather male or female you need both a strong male and female influence in your up bringing (getting off the soap box now).

I have realised that there is a lot to tell so the Spain series is to be continued...

Put them in the "Iron Maiden" or Weekly Charge Vol.4

2008-02-26T14:30:00.003-06:00

I started a new medication yesterday called Neupogen. I have had it before and it's not fun. The only side effect is bone pain. If you have never had bone pain it's like being put in an Iron Maiden. I wasn't sure how bad it would be this time because they decided to give me a low dosage over several days instead of one big shot. So far everything is good, no pain.

Other than that, chemo went good. I am stuck on the story, as to were to go next. I'll probably get the next chapter out this week, if I don't sorry.

Always putting God first,
Matt

The Chemo Sniffer

2008-02-23T01:54:00.002-06:00

For those who don't know chemo takes three days and you get progressively sicker as the days go by. I have yet to mention how I internally deal with illness. I shut down. I get quite lay or sit down a lot, eat very little, and don't want to be bothered by anyone or thing. Mom dealt with this well, but with Jen it has to be different and I'm learning to handle that.

Molly, our dog, doesn't get this. She knows something is wrong, like she can smell the chemo in me because she gets progressively more protective of me. And yes this bugs the crap out of me. I know she doesn't know how to do anything else. I mean with her it's all instinct, but it still drive me nuts that she can't just be her normal outside all day barking self.

And these are the problems one should have if going through cancer. To many people wanting to offer more loving care than you want to receive. How blessed am I that even my dog wants to help.

The Weekly Charge Vol.3

2008-02-20T14:51:00.002-06:00

So this week I was put on an odd situation. I was hoping to be poisoned. You see the last few weeks my white count has been to low for them to give me chemo. And since I still have cancer in me I need the chemo to kill it. Today however, my count was high and they decided to poison me. So Yay!!!!

The rest of the visit went like this: wt 141 lbs and white count is 2.77. The prayers are working.

In Christ,
Matt

The Healthy Man's Cancer

2008-02-17T11:44:00.002-06:00

Where were we... Oh! Yes....

The next few years were spent fighting EBV and not being very successful. There were routine colonoscopies and dealing with high blood pressure. By the way if you ever want to feel like a god, go to an ER with a bp of 210/90; it's like you have a bomb on you and they will do anything to make sure you don't set it off. That was fun, painful but fun.

Around April of 2002 I noticed a lump in my neck just above my collar bone. The liver clinic went nuts. They did a biopsy the day they found it which showed Lymphoma. When they told me I had it Dr. Nour said, "I hope you are a praying man," and then, "It's not technically cancer."

When I asked him what he meant, he said, "It's Post Transplant Lymphoma (PTL)."

When I asked him to explain this, he said, "Because it occured after the transplant it's not considered full blown Lymphoma but PTL."

This meant if I had been a healthy person I would be dealing with a very nasty form of cancer, but because I wasn't healthy it's just Lymphoma. And my doctor had just admitted that he may not have the answer.

He wanted to start treatment immediately, which meant I would have to drop out of school. I don't know if it was my desire to finish the semester or the fact that my faith in God had grown so big that I said, "No, you can do what you want in three weeks but you can not touch me until after finals!"

They agreed to my demands and started treatment after the semester was over. The treatment was three one hour IVs a day and one three hour treatment of IV twice a week. So summer semester was hard and I had to take three classes to get financial aid to cover it. I was supposed to have treatment for six months, but after three months they did a MRI and could not find any "technically not cancer" in me. They were amazed, I knew it was God.

The Enemy Within

2008-02-14T13:40:00.003-06:00

First the new layout is thanks to my blessed wife. It is apparently my Valentine's day gift and it couldn't be any more like me. I love you baby!!!

For all the Trekkies out there (not trekker that means something different and if you geeks would look at a dictionary you would know) this title is the title of the fourth episode of The Original Series (TOS). If you have not seen the episode it's about how we as humans have a good side of emotions and a bad side of emotions, and that we need both in order to survive. This fits in very well with my third area of character trouble, that of anger.

I get angry a lot and my fuse is very short. It hasn't always been like this, but it is right now and not only am I getting tired of getting angry so is my wife. The Bible never calls anger a sin, so what does it say about anger. Well the Old Testament is filled with stories about God or a servant of God getting angry about something or another. Like Moses leaving Pharaoh in anger in Exodus 11 over his unwillingness to "Let my people goooooooo." In Psalm 37 it directs us to cease from anger to avoid doing evil, or don't get angry because you will tend to sin. And Psalm 145:8 "The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy," this is repeated in 1 Corinthians 13:5 where it says charity (love) is not easily provoked.

So anger is not a sin but can cause one to sin and we as believers should not be easily angered. Also with out some part of us being bothered by things we wouldn't have drive, the desire to make things right to make things better. Think about it without some form of response to irritation weather emotional or physical, we would never grow as a individual, society, or race. And with too much drive unspeakable things can occur, 1940's Germany, Dar fur, or Idi Amin Dada.

Don't F#*&@$g Cuss!

2008-02-12T10:38:00.000-06:00

The second area in which I am slipping is the mouth. As Jess can testify I am a master of the cussing medium. I think I learned it from my step father, who could incorporate people from the bible and made up words in a cussing rampage. That alone should be reason enough for me not to cuss. But lately I have just let them fly.

I started the cuss free mouth when I met Jen about three years ago. I knew she didn't like a foul mouth so I diligently worked on not cussing. And for about two and a half years I think she only heard about ten cuss words from me. I archived this characteristic by using fake cuss words like frick, crap, heck, frell, darn, and gosh darn it. Then there are the ones I still don't see as cuss word like hell and dam, I mean there places not cussing; Jen doesn't like those as well so they got replaced.

Biblically there are two passages that get to the heart of the matter.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

And

Deuteronomy 5:11 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain...

Now Ephesians is not just talking about cussing, it says no corrupt communication. This is a broader concept, that incorporates any negative speech. Like gossip or insults or racist jokes (I mean politically incorrect jokes). As important as that is, the second half of the verse is more so, "but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minster grace unto the hearers." This is profound, instead of speaking negatively you should speak edifyinglly to spread grace unto all that can hear.

Now Deuteronomy just makes sense. I mean if you used your best friends name as a cuss word it would sound stupid and tick them off, "Bob dam it." How smart did that sound? No offense to all the Roberts out there. In this verse, God is not only asking us not to cuss but more importantly not to insult him. If he is the creator of all things, how self centered are we to disrespect him in this way!

Finally, although cussing can be very funny, it ultimately spreads negativity. And as a believer not only in God but also personal growth, how can I embrace such a habit?

The Weekly Charge! Vol. 2

2008-02-11T13:43:00.000-06:00

This week went pretty good since I didn't have chemo. I got 15 hours in at work, the most I've had in months. My weight is now 136 lbs and I'm on my way to victory at 150 lbs!

As for today I've been really sleepy, I'm going through a bout of insomnia. I'm sleeping just not getting restful sleep. I went home early from work today because I couldn't think. So if you guys want to pray for something, pray I get a good nights sleep.

In Christ,

Matt

OH! I almost forgot, I changed the blog layout because a friend of mine has the same one and I have to be different! Hope you enjoy the new look.

"I'm to Sexy for This Blog"

2008-02-10T21:10:00.000-06:00

No it's not the end of the blog. Think Right Said Fred.

If you haven't noticed, I am the type of person who strives for growth. And to be honest I haven't been growing lately, in fact I have been regressing. One of the most important tools in growth or character building is honesty, that means that this will probably be the most truthful post in the blog. The main reason for the slacking off is due to the stress of dealing with cancer. But there is no excuse for devolution of character. I have identified three arias where this has occurred; the first is I have become less humble, the rest will be talked about in future post this week. This means the story is on pause for the moment.

So I looked up humble in the dictionary (my geekdom has already been established) and it said, "to become meek." It would be and sometimes is easy for me to view this blog as a platform to spew myself importance over the world. And if you think about it that's what the advisory would want. But back to the point, I watched Extreme Home Makeover tonight and they had this Marine on who lost his leg for all of us in Iraq. And he said, "I don't believe I'm a hero." I may have gone through a lot, but I have never lost a body part for anyone but myself. If he doesn't see himself as a hero then how can I see myself as anything more then a man living a life. This Marine also spends his free time going to the VA hospitals and talking with other wounded solders in order to help them. He continues to be selfless. This reminds me that this blog is not about how sexy or not sexy I am; but about helping those in the same or a similar situation as me.

So if you know anyone or are someone who is in a similar situation please keep reading or get the anyones to read this in hopes that they can get healing from it.

Whats in a Miracle? Thyme!!

2008-02-04T18:53:00.000-06:00

A major part of having a transplant is the immune suppression. This results in an increased chance of getting infections. Some of these infections are common viruses or bacterias that don't harm someone with a regular immune system and that most people already have. One of these is the Cytomegalovirus (CMV), in most people it does nothing, but in me it can kill.

When I was in the hospital the doctors were running a study to see if they could prevent transplant patients from getting CMV. They asked me to be part of this study and I agreed. The idea was to give one group the antibiotics for CMV, in hopes that this would cause the patient to create the antibodies needed to fight the virus and the other would get nothing. I was in the group that got the antibiotics.

After you go home they want you to take 3 months off of driving and 6 months off of work or heavy activity to heal. Around month three I got CMV. They put me on more antibiotics and I got ride of it a few months latter. This wasn't the miracle I'm speaking of, it's just ironic.

In June of 2000 about 10 months later, I attended the Bar mizvah party of my cousin. This was at Frontier City (a local amusement park). One of the keys of remaining healthy with a compromised immune system is to avoid crowds of people. No amusement parks. Shortly after the party I started getting head aches and feeling really tiered and my blood work was not looking good. By August they had figured out that I had the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV). This is the one that gives you mono, so about 95% of people have it. I didn't until then.

The doctors decided to give me a pick line, which is an IV that starts in your arm and goes all the way to your superior vena cava (the big vein that goes into the right side of the heart). The pick line is meant to be temporary lasting only about three months. It is also supposed to be cleaned twice a week. Along with the pick line I was given IV antibiotics about three times a day. This made going to school a little hard.

After a few months of the IV, I was still feeling tired. On a visits to the clinic they asked me to stay in the hospital. I felt so bad I agreed. There main concern was that there were red streaks going up my arm from the pick line. I didn't know this at the time but that is a sign of sepsis (toxic pathogens in the blood) and if it got to my heart it would be curtains baby. They rushed me up to a room on the liver ward. Got the pick line out of me and but an IV in both hands. One was for the antibiotics and one for blood transfusions.

The average person has seven pints of blood and you can live off of about four pints. They gave me four pints. That night while a lay in the hospital, I prayed that if it was time to go I was ready. Thankfully that prayer wasn't answered. Although I would continue the battle with EBV, the miracle was that I if hadn't been in clinic that day this blog would not exist. I thank God that he didn't answer my prayer that night but instead saved me from death. And as I said part of a miracle is timing.

The Weekly Charge! Vol. 1

2008-02-04T16:58:00.000-06:00

I know your thinking what in the heck is he talking about now. Well my beloved wife asked me to start a weekly update on what's going on, so that she doesn't have to keep answering the same questions over and over again. Being who I am, I didn't like the word update so I used thesaurus.com to find a synonym and charge just fits. Also the idea that when faced with adversity you charge forward, makes that word more appropriate.

So I'm doing good, went to the cancer doc today and got really good news. I had a pet scan last Thursday and the results show that all the cancer sites but one are decreased. My weight is 131 lbs but my white count is low so there moving my next round to next week. This means I have an extra week to gain more weight!!!!

Let the Blessings Grab You!!!

2008-01-30T11:37:00.000-06:00

I started reading the Bible and connecting the dots. I don't know if it was my upbringing or if it was being called, but this stuff made sense. I started going to Fellowship (that's what they called it) twice a week, I couldn't get enough of the Bible. At some point along the way I started to know that God was with me and that I was on the right track. There wasn't a grand moment of conversion or being filled with the Holy Spirit, I just knew I was born again and one of God's children. I even tithed, which for a Jew is big.

I had been on the transplant list for about a year and a half. Every time I got to the top someone sicker would knock me down. By this point I had given up and resolved myself to about another five good years. In that, my body was requiring more and more rest resulting in work, sleep, work, sleep. I didn't have the energy to do anything else.

Three days after my 25th birthday the pager went off. I had worked the night before and it was about one in the afternoon, my midnight. I didn't know what to do, I freaked out big. Mom told me to call them back and find out what it was. It was the real deal, they had a liver coming in from Tulsa with my name on it and I needed to be at the hospital two seconds ago. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn't be in for a while. And we were off. The rest of the day went pretty much like the last time except they didn't tell me to go home.

My memory for the next couple of days is spotty. Like, I remember begging for ice in ICU, which would have been about two hours after the surgery; but I don't remember being in my room until day three. That's when Dan caught me staring at my hand. I was alone and just fascinated with my hand. Dan came in and asked, "How you doing Matt," in a very couscous tone.

I looked at him and replied, "I'm White!"

He responded, "Thats because you have a new liver."

Over the next week I slowly regained my ability to focus. The doctors pushed getting up and walking the 'Track'. Which was basically the hallway of the floor I was on. Some very interesting things occurred on this track. For one I finally told my mother that I had converted. Her response was, "Oh! This is just a fad, you'll get over it once you're well."

I don't know, 8 years and I'm still a Christian.

Another was Dan showing me that it had been less then a week since I first tithed and now I had a new liver. And wasn't that the best blessing I could have received. I guess that is where I wanted to end this post. God is truly wanting to bless you more than you could ask or think and all it takes sometimes is giving.

Call From the Governor!!!!

2008-01-24T14:02:00.000-06:00

So I went to the chemo guy yesterday and I'm 130lbs that's a loss of 2lbs, but I did lose two days of food due to feeling like crap. Other than that my white count is up, liver is not enlarged, and lymph glands in my neck are down. So that was a very good visit.

Saw the liver guy today and I told him about the PET scan and what Dr. Parker said about not being able to get it out of the liver. Liver guy said, "Oh! When the chemo is done we'll go in with a small needle and burn them out. I have a guy that specializes in that. It's outpatient, just like a biopsy." That means gone, dead, out of the body, NO TWO YEAR DEATH SENTENCE! Maybe.

Finally, we can read this blog

2008-01-21T20:48:00.001-06:00

without constantly looking for our red pens! I've been proofreading, so hopefully we can all read this thing a lot more easily! -Jen

P.S. I love you Matty, in spite of your spelling. :)

"Hi! I'm Billy Bob Goldstein."

2008-01-19T13:10:00.000-06:00

I left off with this profound brick in my face, and this left me with the question, "Why did I convert to Christianity?"

It took me a while to remember the logic behind that decision; because of all the drugs over the years my memory is holey. And I have tried to come up with a short way to explain this, but have not yet, so get ready for another long one.

I was born Jewish in Michigan where there is a solid Jewish community and Michiganites tend to have a leave you alone attitude. This meant it wasn't hard being different up there. When I was 7 my mother moved us to Oklahoma, where I still reside. The religion that makes up about 90% of this great state is Christian and most of that is Baptist and Evangelical. We as a culture are pretty laid back except for one's faith. If you aren't Christian you need to be saved. That makes being Jewish rough.

My experience with Christianity up to this point in the story had lead me to Hate the religion as a whole. Think about it, if every day of your life from 7 to 24 you're told by a certain group that you are wrong and and they're right; and then you go home where you're told they're wrong and you're right; wouldn't that just screw you up? My mother to this day refers to Christians as cults (we don't talk much about faith).

Remember I just read that the main dude of another religion came for me! So I talked to Dan. He once again asks me to go to this Bible study group thing. Further enticing me with the fact that the guy that leads it knows the Bible backwards and forwards, and the Old Testament better then most Rabis. So I go.

I have never been one for theatrics, snake handling or cutting oneself in the name of JC. It was held at the preacher's house, which a preacher he wasn't, and the entire congregation didn't number more than 50 (that night about 5). When we got there every one was nice and looked normal, but during the opening prayer they spoke in tongues. God was the only thing that kept me from bolting right then! I can't remember what the sermon was on, but I know I got a lot out of it. The major thing that came from this is that I started reading the Bible cover to cover. I needed to know if this was the Truth.

Now to explain the title: There is this comedian named Steven Wright. And he has this joke that I think goes nicely with the fact that I'm a Jew in Oklahoma. It goes like this.

I was riding the bus the other day and a beautiful Asian girl sat down next to me. After a while she turned to me and said, "I find Jewish Cowboys really Hot!"

I replied, "Hi! I'm Billy Bob Goldstein."

Housekeeping

2008-01-17T15:59:00.000-06:00

Time for a break, the last few were heavy.

So I fixed the comment posting thing, you no longer need a google account to post a comment. I also added two new sections, Quotes and Links. If you have any of these that are cool or relevant send them my way, I'll post them.

And finally the disclaimer may be going away. Dan told me how to add a guest editor. So when Jen gets home I'll add her.

Seeing Angels

2008-01-12T12:58:00.000-06:00

So I go back to work and some months pass. Dan and I are talking a lot more about the possibility that the Bible might have something interesting in it, but I still have not read it. Then this new girl started working the day shift. She was mousy, thick and a major nerd (grad of star fleet academy, not a college). It was only a matter of weeks before we start dating.

Note to my wife:
I will make this as painless as possible. Promise!

So this girl was some kind of Christian who was saving herself for marriage, like I cared at the time. Well, it started to get serious and we entered couple hood. One night she was working with me for a few hours and it was really busy. She called for help on the safe, it was jammed. I ran over and dropped something on the ground kneeled to pick it up, turned on my knees and was about to get back up when I saw a glowing image standing right behind her. All I could think was this was important to my future somehow. The thing spoke nothing that I could here and no one seemed to notice it. So I shook my head and got back to work.

A couple of nights later we were at her house and I was trying to fix a kitchen drawer and getting madder and madder at it. I was throwing things and cussing and scaring her. It got to the point where all I could see was red. She calmly asked me to leave it alone and I huffed into the living room still seeing red.

Time for a little recap of my life so far. I'm about 24 here with terminal liver disease and have been on the transplant list about nine months with no end in sight. I have no faith to speak of other than a desire to find the answers to life before I die, which at this point is a few years away. I'm sitting in my girlfriend's living room seeing red because I can't even fix a draw slide. And then another weird thing happened, a very quiet voice in my head said, "Read the book."

And for some reason I asked back, "Where should I start?"

"The New Testament!" was all I got back.

So I asked my girlfriend if I could see her Bible for a bit. She went and got it and I sat down and opened the Bible for the first time in my life. I went quickly to the New Testament and was amazed that the first book was ME! (Matthew, how's that for being humble). I began to read from the first verse. I don't know how long I read, but I stopped when I got to the following verse:

Matthew 15:24 But He (JC) answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

Now I know now about looking at the context of a verse for the message of it, but I had no idea then. And it hit me like a brick between the eyes. Here I am reading a book with my name on it and the main guy just said he came for ME! They (my Jewish faith) never told me this!!! He didn't come for the gentiles, he didn't come for the starving in Africa, he didn't even come for the non believers; He came for US!! (Jews)

So I stopped reading, this I needed to process!

Ok, Last new post for today.

2008-01-10T14:15:00.000-06:00

Promise.

So this is chemo week and saw the doctor yesterday. 132 lbs!!!!!! That's two more pounds, your prayers and thoughts are working. Remember chemo patients don't gain weight!

Well Done

2008-01-10T13:38:00.000-06:00

So I like watching "Inside the Actors Studio," just for the questions at the end. My favorite one is, "If heaven exist what would you like to hear when you get there?" My answer has always been the following.

You can find moor of his stuff here www.lifechurch.tv

Native Amercian Givers

2008-01-10T11:47:00.000-06:00

First I must say I don't have anything negative to say about Native Americans, I just hate the PC police so every chance I get I like to make jokes about them.

So it's about six month after the pager around 5pm on some day. I'm asleep because I work nights. I'm woken by the strange buzzing sound, then I realize it's the pager. I jump out of bed, grab the pager, call the number, and yell at mom to get ready to go. They say they have a liver for me and to get to the hospital admitting asap. I call my boss and let him know to get someone to cover my shift and I'll call him when I come to. This is a lot like having a baby, I imagine, with the exceptions that there is no baby and everyone is moving fast, including the patient. OH! and no contractions!

We get to the hospital in about 10 minutes. I get checked in and sent to nine east, the liver floor as its known. By this time my sis and aunt are there. I don't know if this is a Jewish thing but it always seems the women are always at your bedside and the men, if they are there, are in the hall-wanting to go home.

The nurses give me the gown and let me know that before they can do anything I need to be clean for the surgery. That went over my head too. They meant enemas. I must say although not fun, it is easier then the current prep for a colonoscopy. I had to have three of these things, which the nurses thought was the all time lowest record. They said it normally takes 10. Then they put the IV in me and we waited for a couple of hours for the doctors to get everything ready.

Its about 11pm and they wheel me down the prep room into the OR. This is not the OR but like a little room off to the side with nothing in it and cold. At about 11:30pm Dr. Nour (he will be introduced latter) comes in and lets us know that the liver, although a match, is in worse condition than mine and someone more sick than me is going to get it. Yes! They are Native American Givers.

I can't say I was too upset, I was only freaking out major at the time. So for them to say go home it's a false alarm was nice and it gave us an idea how it would go when it was real.

They wheeled me back up to my room, unhooked the IV, gave me my clothes, and let me go home. At home I went back to sleep while mom was on the phone clucking like a hen to the rest of the family.

"The Waiting is the Hardest Part"

2008-01-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

That was Tom Petty for you youngins.

So about a month later I had my second meeting with the transplant team. This time they gave me the pager and told me to never be without it. Also if it went off to call the number and do what they say. And you can't leave the state because they need you to be within a two hour driving distance. They informed me that I was about at the middle of the pack on the list and it could possibly be six months.

!!!Warning!!! This may offend some.
Now the list is national, regional, and state wide depending on where the organ is harvested. For example if that place is Tulsa they go to the person who is closest to Tulsa that matches the organ. First they check the State of Oklahoma, then the region which I think is Texas, Arkansas, Kansas, and Colorado (it's different for every state), and finally if time allows they go national. More info can be found here http://www.optn.org/.

By this time I had just started working at the 7-eleven store where I met Dan. If your keeping track of both stories. I continued going to clinic about every month and doing lab each time. For six months, I had that pager next to me and it never went off, talk about a watched pot. Dan spent most of this time trying to get me to go to Dallas for the day- for one last blast with the liver and some fun. I think he liked my liver more than I did, he always wanted me to save it and put it on the mantle as a conversation piece. Now he says, "Look if you would have kept the liver and the colon you would have a collection!"

OHHH!!! If I Only had a Liver!

2008-01-04T19:59:00.000-06:00

So after Bookmans year of torture, he sends me to the transplant clinic. This is when I meet one of the best doctors in the world (I'm not kidding), Dr. Wright. He is a gastroenterologist, he really knows peoples butts. But thats an understatement, he know almost every thing there is to know about liver transplantation and its effects on the body. To top it all he has the best bedside manner, he should be studied and a course should be made out of his techniques that every doctor should have to take to become one. Because of these traits he is the busiest person I ever met. Your appointment may be 9 but you wont see him till 10:30. See look at how big of an introduction I gave his, he is The Good.

There is a lot that happens at the clinic and fast. Wright performs all the same things Bookman did and more and in about 4 months. My head was spinning just a little by this point. He did my first colonoscopy, now thats a story.

So I'm about 23, 24 and he said he wanted to do this thing and I ask what happens. If you don't know thats when they shove a tube the wrong way up you. Oh! and thats not the bad part. The bad part is the prep which for the sake of my own psyche I can not go into. Well I do the prep and show up to the thing, get into the gown, get on the table where I can only see the monitor. He comes in and with him a hear a bunch of rustling, by the way all my glory is open to the world at this point. He leaned down, look me in the eye and asked if I minded a few spectators in the form of student gastros. I looked around and saw about 5 other people in white coats with note pads staring back at me or rather my special purpose. What do you say to that question? I looked back at him and said, "Well, they've already seen the good stuff! Why not."

At the clinic there is pre and post transplant patients and you don't see the actual transplant team until you have been worked up by the pretransplant team. For me that was Dr. Wright. The time they take to work you up depends on a lot of factors; the big ones are age, health, and the likelihood of survival. I don't know if my work up was fast, but I know they were really interested in me due to my age and health. Most transplantees at the time were old and in poor health, so the likelihood of survival was not always good. The younger the better. Now they mostly perform transplant on the really young (like 3 and under) or the older and sicker. Medicine has gotten better over the last 8 years. But back then I was a golden child at 24.

After the work up you have the first meeting with the transplant team. This is were the tell you your chance of survival, your chance of getting on the list, where you might be on the list, how long they think you'll be on the list, and they answer any questions you have. They did one more thing with me. They had the anesthesiologist talk to me. He said, "People who don't smoke tend to wake up from anesthesia."

I haven't had a cigarette since that day.

Missing Parts

2007-12-30T03:06:00.000-06:00

I was talking with a friend today and he said, "I see in this guy the Devin Spirit of God!"
This stunned me, I realized that it's because he like you hasn't heard the whole story.

So to continue with the physical side of the story. Dr. Greyson referred me to Dr. Bookmen a liver specialist. Where I spent a year being poked, injected, and irradiated to prove that Greyson was right. He was and what a wonderful year that was. Bookmen knew from the beginning that there was nothing he could do and I would eventually have to be transfered to the transplant clinic. He also gaves me the ten (now 7) year death sentence.

The transplant clinic is so different that it deserves its' own post...

To Be! Or To Be A Miracle!

2007-12-27T10:14:00.000-06:00

That is the question?

Wednesday was a BIG doctor day. It started with 6:30am lab for the liver clinic, which went well. I stopped of at McDonald's for breakfast and they got it wrong. We then had to be at the cancer doctor (Dr. Parker) for lab at 9:15am and appointment at 9:30am. So I check in and I'm not on the schedule, the receptionist sent me back to scheduling. There she asks if they have talked about the PET scan I had, to which I say no. She started to scramble a bit and ordered some labs for me and said she would work us in for 10am. This meant that the 10:30am chemo would run late to about 2pm, that left us about two hours before we had to see Dr. McNeil (the surgeon).

I went and sat back down in the waiting room, got blood drawn, and then the called me to see the doctor. They weighed me on the way in, I'm 130!!!!!!!!!! thats 8 lbs I gained last week. We go to the exam room to wait, Jen my wife is with me. Dr. Parker comes in greets us asks how the chemo is going and looks over the labs. He prescribe an iron supplement and said that Folic acid wont hurt.

He then pulls out the Pet scan, looks at me and the Jen, and says "It's gone somewhere." Though he was very quiet and calming, I knew instantly what this meant and means.

For those of you who don't work for SSA disability: They have a book of listing if impairments (sicknesses) that they have deemed to be so disabling that you will not beyond a shadow of a doubt be able to work for at least a year or more. They have divided the book into section of the body and major disease groups. Cancer falls under Malignant Neoplastic Disease, it is known industry wide that the only way to meet these listings is if you are going to die.

So knowing all this, I look at Jen to see if it's clicking yet (it's not) and ask, "Where."

He hesitated, because he knows what this mean and thinks I don't.

I pressed by saying, "I can handle it!"

He reported the following: The scan shows metastases (the cancer has moved) to the lymph glands in the chest, some more lymph glands in the abdomen, and they found tumors in the liver.

I looked at Jen and she's getting it.

I moved to her side and hug her and she falls apart! Parker reaches over with paper towels and apologized about not having tissue. He continued with the specifics of the tumors in the liver and the size of the lymph glands and how the chemo would get the lymph glands. For those who aren't there yet, the following is an excerpt from the SSD book of listings:

13.00 Malignant Neoplastic Diseases
13.18 Large intestine
C. With metastases beyond the regional lymph nodes.

I meet this listing.

I began to rattle off question Jen didn't want to hear and now I don't really want to know the answers to. The results of which are if the treatment goes well I have a few years. If it goes bad I don't. If it goes really good (like one percent) I have the rest of my life. He left us to morn and we did. The rest of the doctors visits and chemo were as you would imagine kind of grayed out. I was thinking a lot and Jen was trying not too.

So, To Be A Miracle!

!!Warning!!
This is going to get biblical.

There is always two sides to reality, that of the physical what we see, smell, touch, taste, and hear; but there is the other side the spiritual or supernatural or magical or to some the irrelevant. I hope that one of the things I'm getting across is that my belief and understand in the spiritual realm has grown through my trials of life.

So the two sides here are either facts that state I have two years left or I have how ever much time the spiritual reality wants me here. Well I believe in God and I believe that he is the one in control of every thing in my life if I chose to believe this.

My conversion story will come later on, but know that I am Christian now and probable fundamental. I read the bible a lot and some mental bricks have been thrown between my eyes over the years that I need to share with you in order to get what I need from you readers, all two of you.

One of the first fast balls of God was:

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Now the context of this verse is talking about an evil man, but the bible and science agree that the universe has to be in balance. Hence if something is true for an evil man then it is true to a good man. There is a book by James Allan I think titled 'As a Man thinketh' that goes into greater detail about this verse, good book.

The question now becomes if reality is shaped by my thoughts what should I think?
Over the years I have come to believe that the Bible is the only truth in this world.
So I look to the Bible for guidance and truth. Since what we or I am looking at is what I think or believe then I need to see what the word says about some one in my situation and what they believed. When I did a search this is the rock that came flying out:

Mark 5:22-23 And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him (JC), he fell at his feet, And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live... 35-36 While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further? As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.

The interesting thing to me here is that JC is quick to act against the doubt of others and reassure Jairus that he only needs to believe the miracle had happened. It's not just what I think but also what those around me think. This reminds me of another brain blower:

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Now this one just kabooms my head, the first part is talking about things that put themselves above the knowledge of God, believing in there own understanding (science and medicine) and the second part is about every thought is to be examined against the word to be brought to the obedience of Christ.

I could go on for years here but the finale one I'll share is this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; In this verse for those who don't know Charity is being used as a figure of speech, it is replacing the word Love. The impact of this statement is still as potent, love does not think evil thoughts. Thats right there is no doubt, fear, or negative thought in love. It's not possible for that to happen.

In conclusion (Yes! I'm finally ending this thing) I need every one who reads this to pray, meditate, send positive thoughts, or what ever you feel will help in keeping this life and reality alive.

Cult of Christianity

2007-12-19T11:19:00.000-06:00

Getting back to the story... I see now that I was on the meaning of life journey and had by that time dispelled Judasim, Buddhism, and a few new age beliefs. I had even figured that science didn't have all the answers, after reading up on quantum physics. I recently watched a video of this evangelist who explains it best:

http://shop.everythingisspiritual.com/

So here I am, I have no belief structure, no way to explain how I got to be a 23 year old with a dying liver and every one I have looked at has no answer.

Two more things need to be added. One being raised Jewish you are informed, or at least I was, that you can believe anything as long as it's not Christianity. They are a bunch of Cultist. And two Dan was Jewish.

One night I'm listening to Art Bell and he has a bible thumper on. In walks Dan in all his programing glory. The guy on the radio said something about something and I spout of that they are a bunch of cultist, like the good little Jew I am. Dan turned around in mid step and asked pointedly, "Have you ever read the Bible?"

Once again being the good Jewish boy I hadn't. To this Dan got very direct and said, "Until you actually read the book how can you have a valid opinion?" Talk about a brick between the eyes. Here was this fellow Jew arguing with me about the validity of a cult!

That night I found out that Dan had converted to Christianity in his teens and was still attending a regular bible study that he wanted me to try out. I also learned that I had the ability to look at Christianity even though I was Jewish. But before that could happen some more pieces had to fall in place.

Chemo's like a Numb Tung!

2007-12-13T09:32:00.001-06:00

This is the first break in the story time line, I have to get this out now, so don't feel bad if you have no Idea what's going on, just know I am on chemo.

I'm in the middle of the first round and well it's like having a bad day. I'm not really sick but I have heart burn, nausea and am starving. My knee is killing me, I slept for nine hours and I'm still tired, and I'm edgy. So it's like a bad day.

They started yesterday with putting me on a three hour drip. They use a port that was put in on Monday, and the freeze it until its numb the stick the needle in. I wasn't numb and every one heard it. Then the worn you about this side effect that you have to avoid cold for 3 to 5 days. Huh! Well I can't even eat cold stuff, so every thing has to be room temp even water. We get done and head home, I take my first drink of water and my tung goes numb. Guess they were right.

And Now the Moment You All Have Been Waiting for ...DAN!!!!

2007-12-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

7-11 likes to moves its night clerks around, I never understood why. They would give me reasons, but about every 6 months I would be moved to a new store. So form the scenic slum and nudey bar I moved to the suburbs. I was working there for about two months with my new found anger with God and my love of Art Bell (wonder if he is still on).

When one night at about 2am in walks the overweight overstressed guy about my age with the big big gulp in his hand, mumbling about needing caffeine and something to do with databases. He filled up the cup got some chips and walked up to the counter still mumbling about something. I rang him up and he looked at me and asked if I new anything about programing. Thats when I realized what he was. He was fried out of his mind. He payed moved to the back counter and said, "Hi! I'm Dan!" And without a second passing he snaped his head toward the window and said, "Man that's a big a** grass hopper!"

And thats how I meet Dan. He spent most of that night trying to explain programing to me but I was not in the mood at the time. All I can say is we clicked, and he is still one of my very best friends.

There are many other Dan stories and I will share one or two along the way. So keep your eyes sharp, fore they are always funny.

What to do with a Death Sentence.

2007-12-05T08:05:00.000-06:00

Psychology says that there are five stages of knowing your going to die: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At the time I found out about the liver disease, I was more agnostic than Jewish. And I went flying into denial and anger for a good two years. What made me wake up was a fellow death sentencee.

The first thing I did was get really drunk (hay it was my 21st b-day). Within a year I had dropped out of collage and moved out with my best friend. In order to do that I had to get a better job so I started working for 7-11 as a night clerk. And worked both jobs for six months. By which time my "friend" had screwed my over and I was back at home.

While at 7-11 I developed a motto: No one out at 2 in the morning is sane. That would include me. So a year or so goes by and I find myself at a store near a strip club and a slum. I was exploring new age beliefs at the time and had already found the BS factor in Buddhisms. In walks this 60 year old man with a rope for a belt and Einsteiny hair.
We start talking and I find out he's had a masters in psychology. His name was Sal or Sol I was never sure which, and he was dieing of bone spurs that are growing into his brain stem. So he was going to die he just didn't know when. Even suckier that me.

One night I got really mad at something and slammed on the cash register and broke it. Sal was there and said he could fix it so I moved the money over to the one that worked and he fixed it. Latter that same week I did something else stupid and he looked at me and said, "You know for some one so smart you are really stupid!"

He went on to explain that I really needed to talk with some body about what was going on because I was going to lose it if I didn't. And if I wanted I could talk to him. So I did. By the time I left that store and Sal's life, I had accepted my situation and come to understand I was really angry with God.

At least 100 People and No One Said a Thing?

2007-12-03T11:20:00.000-06:00

ACIPHEX! Let my say that again A** EFFECTS!

I don't know if you guys have seen the commercial yet, but this is a real drug for heart burn and they call it A** EFFECTS! Here's the website http://www.aciphex.com/.

So my question is: at least 100 people knew of the name before it was released and no one said something like, "Um guys, are we sure A** EFFECTS is a good name for heartburn medication. Couldn't some infer that that is a side effect of the medication?"

In closing I have to say, thank you A** EFFECTS people with out you the world would be much less funny.

Death Sentence

2007-12-01T08:22:00.000-06:00

So I schedule the appointment for my 21st birthday, because that's how dense I am. Mom knew something was up and I just wanted to get drunk (legally).

Greyson brings us into the exam room, sits my down and says something I will not here again for another 12 years, "You need to listen to this!" That woke me up. I realized it was not a routine thing going on here. He began to explain that the rash on my legs plus the blood work led him to believe I had liver disease. He explained that he thought it was PSC (Primary Sclerosis Cholangitis) and that he would have to send me to a liver specialist who would be able to treat my condition. That was the good news. At that point he went to get a medical book to explain better what we were dealing with. When he left I lost it. There was anger, hyperventilating, tears, and I said, " What kind of life is this, I don't want go through this!" Mom calmed me down before he came back.

The book he brought in said that PSC is rare and incurable. The disease runs 10 to 15 years, its genetic, and triggered by trauma (surgery anyone). PSC basically triggers the immune system to attack the liver and the only known treatment is a liver transplant. He did gives us a basic rundown of what he thought my path to transplantation would be. He also said without a transplant I had 10 years left!

On Target.

2007-11-29T11:39:00.000-06:00

When I was 18 I got a job as a cashier at Target. I was still Jewish and working in retail during the Holidays (that was for later on). Anyway, back then Target had a policy that any part time employee would get health insurance at the year and a half mark. So by the ripe old age of 20 I had my own health care coverage, just what a Jewish mother wants for her son. After 6 months of nagging from mom, I went and got the free yearly physical.

On the subject of doctors, I have unfortunately become an expert on the good, the bad, and the ugly. My primary care (PC) is Dr. Greyson. I will say, I have been blessed with more then good doctors starting with Greyson. He is a real genius (not like the movie), he's the type that will bring in the book with the condition to show you because he's that into medicine.

So I go get the physical and Greyson being who he is orders some labs that aren't normal for a physical, he's just covering all bases. At the time I was have a rash all over my legs that me and mom thought was due to an allergy to something and we were trying all kinds of different things to clear it up. The labs come back and he was a little surprised, so he orders them again. This ment another stick, I was not fond of needles at the time so I waited a few weeks to do this. The second set came in and he asked my to make an appointment so we could talk.

Here's a tip: If a doctor wants to talk, just like if your girlfriend of boyfriend wants to talk, it ain't good!!! (and for you English majors ain't is appropriate)

To be continued....

(I had too)

In the Beginning God Created... Me!

2007-11-27T11:58:00.000-06:00

Every story has a beginning and this one starts when I was 16. Actually age 11. I was diagnosed with Scoliosis (thats when your spine curves). By age 16 it was bad enough that the doctors decided I need rods placed on my spine to straighten it. So I spent the better part of the summer on my back. The surgery went well and it did correct most of the problem, but after healing up, it didn't have much of an impact on my life. Or so I thought.

Welcome to My Life

2007-11-27T09:39:00.000-06:00

What this blog is about is my life so far. I know, I'm only like one in a million doing this, but the real reason is to get my story down so if in the future I want to do something with it I can. Some of the post will be stories of my past to explain how I got here and some will have nothing to do with my story. My goal is that some insight can be gathered by me or those who read it. So enjoy!!