Missing Parts

I was talking with a friend today and he said, "I see in this guy the Devin Spirit of God!"
This stunned me, I realized that it's because he like you hasn't heard the whole story.

So to continue with the physical side of the story. Dr. Greyson referred me to Dr. Bookmen a liver specialist. Where I spent a year being poked, injected, and irradiated to prove that Greyson was right. He was and what a wonderful year that was. Bookmen knew from the beginning that there was nothing he could do and I would eventually have to be transfered to the transplant clinic. He also gaves me the ten (now 7) year death sentence.

The transplant clinic is so different that it deserves its' own post...

To Be! Or To Be A Miracle!

That is the question?

Wednesday was a BIG doctor day. It started with 6:30am lab for the liver clinic, which went well. I stopped of at McDonald's for breakfast and they got it wrong. We then had to be at the cancer doctor (Dr. Parker) for lab at 9:15am and appointment at 9:30am. So I check in and I'm not on the schedule, the receptionist sent me back to scheduling. There she asks if they have talked about the PET scan I had, to which I say no. She started to scramble a bit and ordered some labs for me and said she would work us in for 10am. This meant that the 10:30am chemo would run late to about 2pm, that left us about two hours before we had to see Dr. McNeil (the surgeon).

I went and sat back down in the waiting room, got blood drawn, and then the called me to see the doctor. They weighed me on the way in, I'm 130!!!!!!!!!! thats 8 lbs I gained last week. We go to the exam room to wait, Jen my wife is with me. Dr. Parker comes in greets us asks how the chemo is going and looks over the labs. He prescribe an iron supplement and said that Folic acid wont hurt.

He then pulls out the Pet scan, looks at me and the Jen, and says "It's gone somewhere." Though he was very quiet and calming, I knew instantly what this meant and means.

For those of you who don't work for SSA disability: They have a book of listing if impairments (sicknesses) that they have deemed to be so disabling that you will not beyond a shadow of a doubt be able to work for at least a year or more. They have divided the book into section of the body and major disease groups. Cancer falls under Malignant Neoplastic Disease, it is known industry wide that the only way to meet these listings is if you are going to die.

So knowing all this, I look at Jen to see if it's clicking yet (it's not) and ask, "Where."

He hesitated, because he knows what this mean and thinks I don't.

I pressed by saying, "I can handle it!"

He reported the following: The scan shows metastases (the cancer has moved) to the lymph glands in the chest, some more lymph glands in the abdomen, and they found tumors in the liver.

I looked at Jen and she's getting it.

I moved to her side and hug her and she falls apart! Parker reaches over with paper towels and apologized about not having tissue. He continued with the specifics of the tumors in the liver and the size of the lymph glands and how the chemo would get the lymph glands. For those who aren't there yet, the following is an excerpt from the SSD book of listings:

13.00 Malignant Neoplastic Diseases
13.18 Large intestine
C. With metastases beyond the regional lymph nodes.

I meet this listing.

I began to rattle off question Jen didn't want to hear and now I don't really want to know the answers to. The results of which are if the treatment goes well I have a few years. If it goes bad I don't. If it goes really good (like one percent) I have the rest of my life. He left us to morn and we did. The rest of the doctors visits and chemo were as you would imagine kind of grayed out. I was thinking a lot and Jen was trying not too.

So, To Be A Miracle!

!!Warning!!
This is going to get biblical.

There is always two sides to reality, that of the physical what we see, smell, touch, taste, and hear; but there is the other side the spiritual or supernatural or magical or to some the irrelevant. I hope that one of the things I'm getting across is that my belief and understand in the spiritual realm has grown through my trials of life.

So the two sides here are either facts that state I have two years left or I have how ever much time the spiritual reality wants me here. Well I believe in God and I believe that he is the one in control of every thing in my life if I chose to believe this.

My conversion story will come later on, but know that I am Christian now and probable fundamental. I read the bible a lot and some mental bricks have been thrown between my eyes over the years that I need to share with you in order to get what I need from you readers, all two of you.

One of the first fast balls of God was:

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Now the context of this verse is talking about an evil man, but the bible and science agree that the universe has to be in balance. Hence if something is true for an evil man then it is true to a good man. There is a book by James Allan I think titled 'As a Man thinketh' that goes into greater detail about this verse, good book.

The question now becomes if reality is shaped by my thoughts what should I think?
Over the years I have come to believe that the Bible is the only truth in this world.
So I look to the Bible for guidance and truth. Since what we or I am looking at is what I think or believe then I need to see what the word says about some one in my situation and what they believed. When I did a search this is the rock that came flying out:

Mark 5:22-23 And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him (JC), he fell at his feet, And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live... 35-36 While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further? As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.

The interesting thing to me here is that JC is quick to act against the doubt of others and reassure Jairus that he only needs to believe the miracle had happened. It's not just what I think but also what those around me think. This reminds me of another brain blower:

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Now this one just kabooms my head, the first part is talking about things that put themselves above the knowledge of God, believing in there own understanding (science and medicine) and the second part is about every thought is to be examined against the word to be brought to the obedience of Christ.

I could go on for years here but the finale one I'll share is this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; In this verse for those who don't know Charity is being used as a figure of speech, it is replacing the word Love. The impact of this statement is still as potent, love does not think evil thoughts. Thats right there is no doubt, fear, or negative thought in love. It's not possible for that to happen.

In conclusion (Yes! I'm finally ending this thing) I need every one who reads this to pray, meditate, send positive thoughts, or what ever you feel will help in keeping this life and reality alive.

Cult of Christianity

Getting back to the story... I see now that I was on the meaning of life journey and had by that time dispelled Judasim, Buddhism, and a few new age beliefs. I had even figured that science didn't have all the answers, after reading up on quantum physics. I recently watched a video of this evangelist who explains it best:

http://shop.everythingisspiritual.com/

So here I am, I have no belief structure, no way to explain how I got to be a 23 year old with a dying liver and every one I have looked at has no answer.

Two more things need to be added. One being raised Jewish you are informed, or at least I was, that you can believe anything as long as it's not Christianity. They are a bunch of Cultist. And two Dan was Jewish.

One night I'm listening to Art Bell and he has a bible thumper on. In walks Dan in all his programing glory. The guy on the radio said something about something and I spout of that they are a bunch of cultist, like the good little Jew I am. Dan turned around in mid step and asked pointedly, "Have you ever read the Bible?"

Once again being the good Jewish boy I hadn't. To this Dan got very direct and said, "Until you actually read the book how can you have a valid opinion?" Talk about a brick between the eyes. Here was this fellow Jew arguing with me about the validity of a cult!

That night I found out that Dan had converted to Christianity in his teens and was still attending a regular bible study that he wanted me to try out. I also learned that I had the ability to look at Christianity even though I was Jewish. But before that could happen some more pieces had to fall in place.

Chemo's like a Numb Tung!

This is the first break in the story time line, I have to get this out now, so don't feel bad if you have no Idea what's going on, just know I am on chemo.

I'm in the middle of the first round and well it's like having a bad day. I'm not really sick but I have heart burn, nausea and am starving. My knee is killing me, I slept for nine hours and I'm still tired, and I'm edgy. So it's like a bad day.

They started yesterday with putting me on a three hour drip. They use a port that was put in on Monday, and the freeze it until its numb the stick the needle in. I wasn't numb and every one heard it. Then the worn you about this side effect that you have to avoid cold for 3 to 5 days. Huh! Well I can't even eat cold stuff, so every thing has to be room temp even water. We get done and head home, I take my first drink of water and my tung goes numb. Guess they were right.

And Now the Moment You All Have Been Waiting for ...DAN!!!!

7-11 likes to moves its night clerks around, I never understood why. They would give me reasons, but about every 6 months I would be moved to a new store. So form the scenic slum and nudey bar I moved to the suburbs. I was working there for about two months with my new found anger with God and my love of Art Bell (wonder if he is still on).

When one night at about 2am in walks the overweight overstressed guy about my age with the big big gulp in his hand, mumbling about needing caffeine and something to do with databases. He filled up the cup got some chips and walked up to the counter still mumbling about something. I rang him up and he looked at me and asked if I new anything about programing. Thats when I realized what he was. He was fried out of his mind. He payed moved to the back counter and said, "Hi! I'm Dan!" And without a second passing he snaped his head toward the window and said, "Man that's a big a** grass hopper!"

And thats how I meet Dan. He spent most of that night trying to explain programing to me but I was not in the mood at the time. All I can say is we clicked, and he is still one of my very best friends.

There are many other Dan stories and I will share one or two along the way. So keep your eyes sharp, fore they are always funny.

What to do with a Death Sentence.

Psychology says that there are five stages of knowing your going to die: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At the time I found out about the liver disease, I was more agnostic than Jewish. And I went flying into denial and anger for a good two years. What made me wake up was a fellow death sentencee.

The first thing I did was get really drunk (hay it was my 21st b-day). Within a year I had dropped out of collage and moved out with my best friend. In order to do that I had to get a better job so I started working for 7-11 as a night clerk. And worked both jobs for six months. By which time my "friend" had screwed my over and I was back at home.

While at 7-11 I developed a motto: No one out at 2 in the morning is sane. That would include me. So a year or so goes by and I find myself at a store near a strip club and a slum. I was exploring new age beliefs at the time and had already found the BS factor in Buddhisms. In walks this 60 year old man with a rope for a belt and Einsteiny hair.
We start talking and I find out he's had a masters in psychology. His name was Sal or Sol I was never sure which, and he was dieing of bone spurs that are growing into his brain stem. So he was going to die he just didn't know when. Even suckier that me.

One night I got really mad at something and slammed on the cash register and broke it. Sal was there and said he could fix it so I moved the money over to the one that worked and he fixed it. Latter that same week I did something else stupid and he looked at me and said, "You know for some one so smart you are really stupid!"

He went on to explain that I really needed to talk with some body about what was going on because I was going to lose it if I didn't. And if I wanted I could talk to him. So I did. By the time I left that store and Sal's life, I had accepted my situation and come to understand I was really angry with God.

At least 100 People and No One Said a Thing?

ACIPHEX! Let my say that again A** EFFECTS!

I don't know if you guys have seen the commercial yet, but this is a real drug for heart burn and they call it A** EFFECTS! Here's the website http://www.aciphex.com/.

So my question is: at least 100 people knew of the name before it was released and no one said something like, "Um guys, are we sure A** EFFECTS is a good name for heartburn medication. Couldn't some infer that that is a side effect of the medication?"

In closing I have to say, thank you A** EFFECTS people with out you the world would be much less funny.

Death Sentence

So I schedule the appointment for my 21st birthday, because that's how dense I am. Mom knew something was up and I just wanted to get drunk (legally).

Greyson brings us into the exam room, sits my down and says something I will not here again for another 12 years, "You need to listen to this!" That woke me up. I realized it was not a routine thing going on here. He began to explain that the rash on my legs plus the blood work led him to believe I had liver disease. He explained that he thought it was PSC (Primary Sclerosis Cholangitis) and that he would have to send me to a liver specialist who would be able to treat my condition. That was the good news. At that point he went to get a medical book to explain better what we were dealing with. When he left I lost it. There was anger, hyperventilating, tears, and I said, " What kind of life is this, I don't want go through this!" Mom calmed me down before he came back.

The book he brought in said that PSC is rare and incurable. The disease runs 10 to 15 years, its genetic, and triggered by trauma (surgery anyone). PSC basically triggers the immune system to attack the liver and the only known treatment is a liver transplant. He did gives us a basic rundown of what he thought my path to transplantation would be. He also said without a transplant I had 10 years left!