To Be! Or To Be A Miracle!

That is the question?

Wednesday was a BIG doctor day. It started with 6:30am lab for the liver clinic, which went well. I stopped of at McDonald's for breakfast and they got it wrong. We then had to be at the cancer doctor (Dr. Parker) for lab at 9:15am and appointment at 9:30am. So I check in and I'm not on the schedule, the receptionist sent me back to scheduling. There she asks if they have talked about the PET scan I had, to which I say no. She started to scramble a bit and ordered some labs for me and said she would work us in for 10am. This meant that the 10:30am chemo would run late to about 2pm, that left us about two hours before we had to see Dr. McNeil (the surgeon).

I went and sat back down in the waiting room, got blood drawn, and then the called me to see the doctor. They weighed me on the way in, I'm 130!!!!!!!!!! thats 8 lbs I gained last week. We go to the exam room to wait, Jen my wife is with me. Dr. Parker comes in greets us asks how the chemo is going and looks over the labs. He prescribe an iron supplement and said that Folic acid wont hurt.

He then pulls out the Pet scan, looks at me and the Jen, and says "It's gone somewhere." Though he was very quiet and calming, I knew instantly what this meant and means.

For those of you who don't work for SSA disability: They have a book of listing if impairments (sicknesses) that they have deemed to be so disabling that you will not beyond a shadow of a doubt be able to work for at least a year or more. They have divided the book into section of the body and major disease groups. Cancer falls under Malignant Neoplastic Disease, it is known industry wide that the only way to meet these listings is if you are going to die.

So knowing all this, I look at Jen to see if it's clicking yet (it's not) and ask, "Where."

He hesitated, because he knows what this mean and thinks I don't.

I pressed by saying, "I can handle it!"

He reported the following: The scan shows metastases (the cancer has moved) to the lymph glands in the chest, some more lymph glands in the abdomen, and they found tumors in the liver.

I looked at Jen and she's getting it.

I moved to her side and hug her and she falls apart! Parker reaches over with paper towels and apologized about not having tissue. He continued with the specifics of the tumors in the liver and the size of the lymph glands and how the chemo would get the lymph glands. For those who aren't there yet, the following is an excerpt from the SSD book of listings:

13.00 Malignant Neoplastic Diseases
13.18 Large intestine
C. With metastases beyond the regional lymph nodes.

I meet this listing.

I began to rattle off question Jen didn't want to hear and now I don't really want to know the answers to. The results of which are if the treatment goes well I have a few years. If it goes bad I don't. If it goes really good (like one percent) I have the rest of my life. He left us to morn and we did. The rest of the doctors visits and chemo were as you would imagine kind of grayed out. I was thinking a lot and Jen was trying not too.

So, To Be A Miracle!

!!Warning!!
This is going to get biblical.

There is always two sides to reality, that of the physical what we see, smell, touch, taste, and hear; but there is the other side the spiritual or supernatural or magical or to some the irrelevant. I hope that one of the things I'm getting across is that my belief and understand in the spiritual realm has grown through my trials of life.

So the two sides here are either facts that state I have two years left or I have how ever much time the spiritual reality wants me here. Well I believe in God and I believe that he is the one in control of every thing in my life if I chose to believe this.

My conversion story will come later on, but know that I am Christian now and probable fundamental. I read the bible a lot and some mental bricks have been thrown between my eyes over the years that I need to share with you in order to get what I need from you readers, all two of you.

One of the first fast balls of God was:

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Now the context of this verse is talking about an evil man, but the bible and science agree that the universe has to be in balance. Hence if something is true for an evil man then it is true to a good man. There is a book by James Allan I think titled 'As a Man thinketh' that goes into greater detail about this verse, good book.

The question now becomes if reality is shaped by my thoughts what should I think?
Over the years I have come to believe that the Bible is the only truth in this world.
So I look to the Bible for guidance and truth. Since what we or I am looking at is what I think or believe then I need to see what the word says about some one in my situation and what they believed. When I did a search this is the rock that came flying out:

Mark 5:22-23 And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him (JC), he fell at his feet, And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live... 35-36 While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further? As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.

The interesting thing to me here is that JC is quick to act against the doubt of others and reassure Jairus that he only needs to believe the miracle had happened. It's not just what I think but also what those around me think. This reminds me of another brain blower:

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Now this one just kabooms my head, the first part is talking about things that put themselves above the knowledge of God, believing in there own understanding (science and medicine) and the second part is about every thought is to be examined against the word to be brought to the obedience of Christ.

I could go on for years here but the finale one I'll share is this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; In this verse for those who don't know Charity is being used as a figure of speech, it is replacing the word Love. The impact of this statement is still as potent, love does not think evil thoughts. Thats right there is no doubt, fear, or negative thought in love. It's not possible for that to happen.

In conclusion (Yes! I'm finally ending this thing) I need every one who reads this to pray, meditate, send positive thoughts, or what ever you feel will help in keeping this life and reality alive.