I Claim This Land in the Name of Spain!

By 2003, physically I had reached a plateau, I began to see I was not who I wanted to be nor who God wanted me to be. This was supported by the fact that now I wasn't going to die (any time soon anyway). Thus began the trail of self discovery and change.

Dan had reached this trail some time prior to me but he wasn't any further than "I don't like who I am." The first major understanding we both came to was: We never had a positive male role model growing up. For Dan his father died when he was a teenager, for me my father is still alive and has been living in a shack in Michigan most of my life. We talk over the phone, and he has been a spiritual influence, but he was never there. This father thing is very important because men learn a lot from just having a father around. They learn about social behavior, body language, courage, strength, spiritual leadership, and many other aspects of life that a mother just doesn't know about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing the single mother, I'm saying that in order to be fully who you are meant to be weather male or female you need both a strong male and female influence in your up bringing (getting off the soap box now).

I have realised that there is a lot to tell so the Spain series is to be continued...

Put them in the "Iron Maiden" or Weekly Charge Vol.4

I started a new medication yesterday called Neupogen. I have had it before and it's not fun. The only side effect is bone pain. If you have never had bone pain it's like being put in an Iron Maiden. I wasn't sure how bad it would be this time because they decided to give me a low dosage over several days instead of one big shot. So far everything is good, no pain.

Other than that, chemo went good. I am stuck on the story, as to were to go next. I'll probably get the next chapter out this week, if I don't sorry.

Always putting God first,
Matt

The Chemo Sniffer

For those who don't know chemo takes three days and you get progressively sicker as the days go by. I have yet to mention how I internally deal with illness. I shut down. I get quite lay or sit down a lot, eat very little, and don't want to be bothered by anyone or thing. Mom dealt with this well, but with Jen it has to be different and I'm learning to handle that.

Molly, our dog, doesn't get this. She knows something is wrong, like she can smell the chemo in me because she gets progressively more protective of me. And yes this bugs the crap out of me. I know she doesn't know how to do anything else. I mean with her it's all instinct, but it still drive me nuts that she can't just be her normal outside all day barking self.

And these are the problems one should have if going through cancer. To many people wanting to offer more loving care than you want to receive. How blessed am I that even my dog wants to help.

The Weekly Charge Vol.3

So this week I was put on an odd situation. I was hoping to be poisoned. You see the last few weeks my white count has been to low for them to give me chemo. And since I still have cancer in me I need the chemo to kill it. Today however, my count was high and they decided to poison me. So Yay!!!!

The rest of the visit went like this: wt 141 lbs and white count is 2.77. The prayers are working.

In Christ,
Matt

The Healthy Man's Cancer

Where were we... Oh! Yes....

The next few years were spent fighting EBV and not being very successful. There were routine colonoscopies and dealing with high blood pressure. By the way if you ever want to feel like a god, go to an ER with a bp of 210/90; it's like you have a bomb on you and they will do anything to make sure you don't set it off. That was fun, painful but fun.

Around April of 2002 I noticed a lump in my neck just above my collar bone. The liver clinic went nuts. They did a biopsy the day they found it which showed Lymphoma. When they told me I had it Dr. Nour said, "I hope you are a praying man," and then, "It's not technically cancer."

When I asked him what he meant, he said, "It's Post Transplant Lymphoma (PTL)."

When I asked him to explain this, he said, "Because it occured after the transplant it's not considered full blown Lymphoma but PTL."

This meant if I had been a healthy person I would be dealing with a very nasty form of cancer, but because I wasn't healthy it's just Lymphoma. And my doctor had just admitted that he may not have the answer.

He wanted to start treatment immediately, which meant I would have to drop out of school. I don't know if it was my desire to finish the semester or the fact that my faith in God had grown so big that I said, "No, you can do what you want in three weeks but you can not touch me until after finals!"

They agreed to my demands and started treatment after the semester was over. The treatment was three one hour IVs a day and one three hour treatment of IV twice a week. So summer semester was hard and I had to take three classes to get financial aid to cover it. I was supposed to have treatment for six months, but after three months they did a MRI and could not find any "technically not cancer" in me. They were amazed, I knew it was God.

The Enemy Within

First the new layout is thanks to my blessed wife. It is apparently my Valentine's day gift and it couldn't be any more like me. I love you baby!!!

For all the Trekkies out there (not trekker that means something different and if you geeks would look at a dictionary you would know) this title is the title of the fourth episode of The Original Series (TOS). If you have not seen the episode it's about how we as humans have a good side of emotions and a bad side of emotions, and that we need both in order to survive. This fits in very well with my third area of character trouble, that of anger.

I get angry a lot and my fuse is very short. It hasn't always been like this, but it is right now and not only am I getting tired of getting angry so is my wife. The Bible never calls anger a sin, so what does it say about anger. Well the Old Testament is filled with stories about God or a servant of God getting angry about something or another. Like Moses leaving Pharaoh in anger in Exodus 11 over his unwillingness to "Let my people goooooooo." In Psalm 37 it directs us to cease from anger to avoid doing evil, or don't get angry because you will tend to sin. And Psalm 145:8 "The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy," this is repeated in 1 Corinthians 13:5 where it says charity (love) is not easily provoked.

So anger is not a sin but can cause one to sin and we as believers should not be easily angered. Also with out some part of us being bothered by things we wouldn't have drive, the desire to make things right to make things better. Think about it without some form of response to irritation weather emotional or physical, we would never grow as a individual, society, or race. And with too much drive unspeakable things can occur, 1940's Germany, Dar fur, or Idi Amin Dada.

Don't F#*&@$g Cuss!

The second area in which I am slipping is the mouth. As Jess can testify I am a master of the cussing medium. I think I learned it from my step father, who could incorporate people from the bible and made up words in a cussing rampage. That alone should be reason enough for me not to cuss. But lately I have just let them fly.

I started the cuss free mouth when I met Jen about three years ago. I knew she didn't like a foul mouth so I diligently worked on not cussing. And for about two and a half years I think she only heard about ten cuss words from me. I archived this characteristic by using fake cuss words like frick, crap, heck, frell, darn, and gosh darn it. Then there are the ones I still don't see as cuss word like hell and dam, I mean there places not cussing; Jen doesn't like those as well so they got replaced.

Biblically there are two passages that get to the heart of the matter.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

And

Deuteronomy 5:11 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain...

Now Ephesians is not just talking about cussing, it says no corrupt communication. This is a broader concept, that incorporates any negative speech. Like gossip or insults or racist jokes (I mean politically incorrect jokes). As important as that is, the second half of the verse is more so, "but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minster grace unto the hearers." This is profound, instead of speaking negatively you should speak edifyinglly to spread grace unto all that can hear.

Now Deuteronomy just makes sense. I mean if you used your best friends name as a cuss word it would sound stupid and tick them off, "Bob dam it." How smart did that sound? No offense to all the Roberts out there. In this verse, God is not only asking us not to cuss but more importantly not to insult him. If he is the creator of all things, how self centered are we to disrespect him in this way!

Finally, although cussing can be very funny, it ultimately spreads negativity. And as a believer not only in God but also personal growth, how can I embrace such a habit?

The Weekly Charge! Vol. 2

This week went pretty good since I didn't have chemo. I got 15 hours in at work, the most I've had in months. My weight is now 136 lbs and I'm on my way to victory at 150 lbs!

As for today I've been really sleepy, I'm going through a bout of insomnia. I'm sleeping just not getting restful sleep. I went home early from work today because I couldn't think. So if you guys want to pray for something, pray I get a good nights sleep.

In Christ,

Matt

OH! I almost forgot, I changed the blog layout because a friend of mine has the same one and I have to be different! Hope you enjoy the new look.

"I'm to Sexy for This Blog"

No it's not the end of the blog. Think Right Said Fred.

If you haven't noticed, I am the type of person who strives for growth. And to be honest I haven't been growing lately, in fact I have been regressing. One of the most important tools in growth or character building is honesty, that means that this will probably be the most truthful post in the blog. The main reason for the slacking off is due to the stress of dealing with cancer. But there is no excuse for devolution of character. I have identified three arias where this has occurred; the first is I have become less humble, the rest will be talked about in future post this week. This means the story is on pause for the moment.

So I looked up humble in the dictionary (my geekdom has already been established) and it said, "to become meek." It would be and sometimes is easy for me to view this blog as a platform to spew myself importance over the world. And if you think about it that's what the advisory would want. But back to the point, I watched Extreme Home Makeover tonight and they had this Marine on who lost his leg for all of us in Iraq. And he said, "I don't believe I'm a hero." I may have gone through a lot, but I have never lost a body part for anyone but myself. If he doesn't see himself as a hero then how can I see myself as anything more then a man living a life. This Marine also spends his free time going to the VA hospitals and talking with other wounded solders in order to help them. He continues to be selfless. This reminds me that this blog is not about how sexy or not sexy I am; but about helping those in the same or a similar situation as me.

So if you know anyone or are someone who is in a similar situation please keep reading or get the anyones to read this in hopes that they can get healing from it.

Whats in a Miracle? Thyme!!

A major part of having a transplant is the immune suppression. This results in an increased chance of getting infections. Some of these infections are common viruses or bacterias that don't harm someone with a regular immune system and that most people already have. One of these is the Cytomegalovirus (CMV), in most people it does nothing, but in me it can kill.

When I was in the hospital the doctors were running a study to see if they could prevent transplant patients from getting CMV. They asked me to be part of this study and I agreed. The idea was to give one group the antibiotics for CMV, in hopes that this would cause the patient to create the antibodies needed to fight the virus and the other would get nothing. I was in the group that got the antibiotics.

After you go home they want you to take 3 months off of driving and 6 months off of work or heavy activity to heal. Around month three I got CMV. They put me on more antibiotics and I got ride of it a few months latter. This wasn't the miracle I'm speaking of, it's just ironic.

In June of 2000 about 10 months later, I attended the Bar mizvah party of my cousin. This was at Frontier City (a local amusement park). One of the keys of remaining healthy with a compromised immune system is to avoid crowds of people. No amusement parks. Shortly after the party I started getting head aches and feeling really tiered and my blood work was not looking good. By August they had figured out that I had the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV). This is the one that gives you mono, so about 95% of people have it. I didn't until then.

The doctors decided to give me a pick line, which is an IV that starts in your arm and goes all the way to your superior vena cava (the big vein that goes into the right side of the heart). The pick line is meant to be temporary lasting only about three months. It is also supposed to be cleaned twice a week. Along with the pick line I was given IV antibiotics about three times a day. This made going to school a little hard.

After a few months of the IV, I was still feeling tired. On a visits to the clinic they asked me to stay in the hospital. I felt so bad I agreed. There main concern was that there were red streaks going up my arm from the pick line. I didn't know this at the time but that is a sign of sepsis (toxic pathogens in the blood) and if it got to my heart it would be curtains baby. They rushed me up to a room on the liver ward. Got the pick line out of me and but an IV in both hands. One was for the antibiotics and one for blood transfusions.

The average person has seven pints of blood and you can live off of about four pints. They gave me four pints. That night while a lay in the hospital, I prayed that if it was time to go I was ready. Thankfully that prayer wasn't answered. Although I would continue the battle with EBV, the miracle was that I if hadn't been in clinic that day this blog would not exist. I thank God that he didn't answer my prayer that night but instead saved me from death. And as I said part of a miracle is timing.

The Weekly Charge! Vol. 1

I know your thinking what in the heck is he talking about now. Well my beloved wife asked me to start a weekly update on what's going on, so that she doesn't have to keep answering the same questions over and over again. Being who I am, I didn't like the word update so I used thesaurus.com to find a synonym and charge just fits. Also the idea that when faced with adversity you charge forward, makes that word more appropriate.

So I'm doing good, went to the cancer doc today and got really good news. I had a pet scan last Thursday and the results show that all the cancer sites but one are decreased. My weight is 131 lbs but my white count is low so there moving my next round to next week. This means I have an extra week to gain more weight!!!!